Newspaper sub-editor admits addiction to headlines about middle-class cocaine use

A sub-editor for one of the UK's biggest newspapers has spoken of her dependency on headlines about the middle-class absolutely blattering charlie.

'I first tried it just to be social,' she said. 'But after that first rush of 'Chelsea tractors and chang: yummy mummies school gates gak fest' I found myself needing more. Before I knew it I was writing 'Elena Ferrante fuelled by the ol' Jimmy Durante: book clubs drug-binge shame' and it still wasn't enough.'

The sub-editor who has asked not to be named for fear of colleagues following her into the toilets and asking her to share a headline, said it was a UK-wide problem.

'Have you seen the maps? Tabloid or broadsheet, no one can resist a map of cocaine-related hospital admissions or arrests. Stick it up, add 'UK snow storm: well-off in naughty flake blizzard' and the article writes itself.'

Like all addicts, the sub-editor reached a point where they hit rock bottom. 'It was Waitrose that did it,' she said. 'Once I'd published 'Rolled-up fivers and muff divers: posh supermarket car park drug-sex epidemic' I knew I need help.'

Image: moritz320 - Pixabay

No policies announced today

The government has announced no new policies today, extending the political drought to 72 hours.

Expert commentators say that the government is leaving a dangerous policy vacuum that will just suck in loony policies from Reform or stupid ideas from TikTok.

'The policy vacuum does real economic damage,' said one freelance journo. 'I need new policies to write about, dissect, argue about, and write air-headed vox pops about. No policies, no paychecks for me.

'The government could easily boost the economy right now, just by announcing some new policy ideas. They don't have to be credible, actionable or sensible Just something we can all write about.'

A government PRsole said, 'It's silly season. Journalists are perfectly able to make up so-called news stories on their own. Anyway, there's always more nonsense coming from Trump, so we suggest that they write about that.'

Image credit: NewsBiscuit archive

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

BBC still hasn't reported on BBC not reporting anything

Social media is on fire with allegations that the BBC hasn't reported anything about the crisis in Iran, despite running several separate news articles every day since the demonstrations started.  They are also accused of not reporting anything about the situation in Gaza, despite running articles daily since last year.

'We admit that some reporting is difficult,' said a BBC spokesman, adding, 'as both Iran and Israel won't allow correspondents in, and those that do sneak in tend to get shot', he said. 'I ran to tell you because is real.'

Critics grudgingly agree, but point out that the BBC hasn't announced the upcoming General Election, to be debated next week where the government, despite having a huge majority, is going to roll over and vote to pull the General Election forward by at least three years.  The BBC agree that they haven't reported that piece of news but defended themselves by pointing out that whenever the next election does occur they have told the country who to vote for. Repeatedly.

Image: Luismi Sánchez (@luismisanchez) | Unsplash Photo Community