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What do you mean, you’ve had enough of the horrendous, sickening news?



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'And as the conflict in Israel and Gaza enters its fourth week, we now bring you pictures of the carnage caused by an Israeli airstrike. And we can tell you that they're even more distressing than anything we’ve shown you before...


'Why are you turning off your television?


'Good, we’ve got you on the radio. These are the sounds from inside a hospital in Gaza City of grief-stricken mothers and fathers, wailing pitifully…


'Why are you hitting your radio with an axe? That’s not going to stop the war, is it?


'I see you’ve locked yourselves in the bathroom and are watching a video of an adorable puppy chasing its tail. We’re going to interrupt that to play you interviews with a Hamas leader and an Israeli politician, in which both try to justify slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians…


'No, don’t throw your device down the toilet. We forbid you to do that!


'And don’t light a bonfire with those newspapers before you've read them. Don’t you know how much trouble we take to bring all the horrifying details of this war right to your doorstep?


'We’ll stop at nothing, you know. We’ll hire town criers to shout this stuff at you in the streets.


'That's because reporting this atrocious conflict has made us all clinically depressed, so we’re damned well going to make sure that all of you are clinically depressed, as well.'




First published 30 Oct 2023


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"We really miss Boris Johnson" - Despondent journalists pen open letter to Starmer

Updated: Aug 2

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A number of Westminster press pack members have written an open letter to Keir Starmer begging him to ditch his bland, magnolia, completely insipid and totally nothing persona. Urging him to "buck up and adopt a more Boris Johnson like approach to the job".


One of the letter's signatories explained: 'Obviously, when in office Boris was an utterly feckless buffoon. He wouldn't have known the truth if it bit him on the arse. He had no understanding of important policy details and absolutely zero ability for the job whatsoever. And of course he hadn't a shred of personal integrity.


'But, I mean. Come on. It was never a dull moment. One minute he be hiding from us in a fridge, the next he was involved in illicit piss-ups at No.10 during lockdown. Blagging the cost of his wallpaper from the taxpayer, then all the stuff about his inability to keep little Boris in his trousers. Not to mention running roughshod over the very concept of common decency and continually lying to parliament. By God he was good for column inches and sales.'  


Downing Street has yet to comment but a spokesman for the PM said: 'Look, keep this under you hats for now. I can't see Keir going full Boris, though we're lining up a photo op where he's going to run through a field of wheat without first having cleared it with the farmer.' 


image from pixabay


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