"We really miss Boris Johnson" - Despondent journalists pen open letter to Starmer

A number of Westminster press pack members have written an open letter to Keir Starmer begging him to ditch his bland, magnolia, completely insipid and totally nothing persona. Urging him to "buck up and adopt a more Boris Johnson like approach to the job".

One of the letter's signatories explained: 'Obviously, when in office Boris was an utterly feckless buffoon. He wouldn't have known the truth if it bit him on the arse. He had no understanding of important policy details and absolutely zero ability for the job whatsoever. And of course he hadn't a shred of personal integrity.

'But, I mean. Come on. It was never a dull moment. One minute he be hiding from us in a fridge, the next he was involved in illicit piss-ups at No.10 during lockdown. Blagging the cost of his wallpaper from the taxpayer, then all the stuff about his inability to keep little Boris in his trousers. Not to mention running roughshod over the very concept of common decency and continually lying to parliament. By God he was good for column inches and sales.'  

Downing Street has yet to comment but a spokesman for the PM said: 'Look, keep this under you hats for now. I can't see Keir going full Boris, though we're lining up a photo op where he's going to run through a field of wheat without first having cleared it with the farmer.' 

image from pixabay

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Texas: Trump deflects the blame again

Journalists plead “Can we stop writing about Adolescence now?”

A number of journalists have banded together to ask their editors if they can stop writing articles about hard-hitting TV drama Adolescence.

“Look, it was really good, no question,” said spokesman Dave Hack. “Powerful story, amazing acting (especially the kid), highlighting an important issue, so clever to film each episode all in one take, etc etc. Hats off to them.

“But frankly we’re running out of things to say about it. We’ve done scaremongering about ‘Do you know what your son’s viewing online?’, we’ve had thinkpieces about how to raise boys, we’ve had glossaries of what the various emojis mean, we’ve given endless free publicity to tossers like Andrew Tate… We’ve even concocted a pointless row about whether the producers were cowardly to make the killer white, when the suspect in the Southport murders (which the show wasn’t in any way based on) isn’t.”

“And I’ve written every possible version of ‘Male violence is every man’s fault, because it just is’” added Lucretia Harpy of the Guardian. ”And normally there’s nothing I like better, but there are limits.”

Their editors replied that unfortunately they need to continue producing more Adolescence-related material, at least until another show with similar impact is broadcast. 

“And I don’t just mean the next Breaking Bad or The Wire - it needs to be a campaigning show aiming to right a societal wrong, which we can enthusiastically get behind despite showing no previous interest in the problem and in many cases actively contributing to it.”

Image: Pexels - Pixabay

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