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What do you mean, you’ve had enough of the horrendous, sickening news?



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'And as the conflict in Israel and Gaza enters its fourth week, we now bring you pictures of the carnage caused by an Israeli airstrike. And we can tell you that they're even more distressing than anything we’ve shown you before...


'Why are you turning off your television?


'Good, we’ve got you on the radio. These are the sounds from inside a hospital in Gaza City of grief-stricken mothers and fathers, wailing pitifully…


'Why are you hitting your radio with an axe? That’s not going to stop the war, is it?


'I see you’ve locked yourselves in the bathroom and are watching a video of an adorable puppy chasing its tail. We’re going to interrupt that to play you interviews with a Hamas leader and an Israeli politician, in which both try to justify slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians…


'No, don’t throw your device down the toilet. We forbid you to do that!


'And don’t light a bonfire with those newspapers before you've read them. Don’t you know how much trouble we take to bring all the horrifying details of this war right to your doorstep?


'We’ll stop at nothing, you know. We’ll hire town criers to shout this stuff at you in the streets.


'That's because reporting this atrocious conflict has made us all clinically depressed, so we’re damned well going to make sure that all of you are clinically depressed, as well.'




First published 30 Oct 2023


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Snapchat offline is nature healing itself

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An unexpected outage with Amazon and Snapchat has been hailed as the happiest 24 hours since records began. In that time endangered species recovered, the ozone healed and The Beatles reformed.


Peace instantly broke in Gaza, and not that bull$hit Trump peace where everyone still gets shot, actual peace. Cancer was downgraded to a mild cough. And Quality Street went back to making the really large box of chocolates.


Children looked up from their phones and saw the sky for the first time. All was well with the world...until someone thought to download TikTok to fill the time.



Image credit: perchance.org

Israel claims they and Hamas 'were on a break'

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With strikes and gunshots again heard in all across Palestine again, an Israeli spokesperson has claimed today that they and Hamas, 'were on a break.'


 'It’s all fine, we were on a break,' said Ben Bronten, an IDF official. 'We took some time out to see if we were over it all, and clearly we’re not. We both still have a lot of pent-up emotion, and that is going to come up in unexpected gunfire and missile strikes sometimes.”


He went on to point out that sometimes truces were fragile and the opposites sides would have the occasional flare-up.


'Look, sometimes passions lead to the re-blockading of aid; multiple rocket strikes on seemingly non-miltary targets; and a teensy-weensy bit of quasi invading. It’s perfectly natural. We’ll all be holding hands by November. As long as Hamas keeps their wandering eyes off those Hezbollah floozies.'



Picture credit: perchance.org

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