"If you've been bombing Gaza constantly for two years, you may experience severe withdrawal pangs from a ceasefire," Dr Hiram S. Sidewinder told members of Israel's war cabinet, following instructions from President Trump to stop the attacks.
"You may be saying to yourselves 'one more raid can't do any harm'," said the author of The Only Way to Stop Bombing. "But you must resist the temptation.
"Take your mind off the pain with constructive displacement activities, such as embezzling public funds or building illegal settlements in the West Bank."
"It's so hard!" said Israel's Minister of Collective Punishment, who wished to remain anonymous.
"You think you can handle the prospect of a permanent truce with your neighbours all right, but then you wake in the middle of the night with an almost uncontrollable age to fire up a squadron of F-16s for one last bombing run on Palestine or Syria or wherever's in reach."
"Face facts," said Sidewinder, "you've let this bombing habit become a fatal addiction and you deperately need to quit, for everyone's health."
The potential new Gaza authority interim leader, Tony Blair, is looking to bring in former Deputy and PM Gordon Brown for "one last job". An exclusive transcript of the call has reached us here at Newsbiscuit HQ. We publish it in full today.
<ringing>
Gordon Brown (GB): Good morning, this is former Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
Tony Blair (TB): Hi Gordon. It's Tony.
GB: <muffled harumph> You've got some nerve calling me, Blair.
TB: It's good to hear your voice, Gordon.
GB: Don't try that shit with me, Blair, I'm not Rupert Murdoch.
TB: Gordon, it's water under the Bridge. It's 30 years ago!
GB: 30 years! <heavy sigh> Some cuts run deep, Tony.
TB: I know. And I'm sorry.
GB: Sometimes sorry isn't enough!
TB: I handed you the top job, Gordon.
GB: A year too late!
TB: OK, OK. Look, we need to talk.
GB: Woah, woah, woah. I know that tone. I'm retired.
TB: They want me in Gaza, to sort it all out.
GB:……don't you dare…..
TB: I need you Gordon…
GB: You are unbelievable, the nerve!
TB: Milburn is in. Beckett is in.
GB: (pause) Alan and Maggie are in?
TB: You know she hates you calling her that.
GB: <chuckles> Yes, she always did. What about Jack?
TB: Jack is in if you're in. You're the final piece of the puzzle.
GB: I'm not sure. I need time.
TB: The military industrial complex doesn't have time, Gordon. Sales targets are coming up.
GB: Those poor guys.
TB: You can help, Gordon, we can turn this around….
GB: SHUT UP! Let me think………….You son of a bitch, I'm in. Tell Jack to get that bottle of single malt ready.
TB: Thank you Gordon, you won't regret it.
GB: When do we start?
TB: The car is outside your house.
GB: <looks through window> (laughs) YOU MOTHERF…….<click>
Image: Alexas_Fotos - Pixabay