Neil & GB News split. Neil to get custody of Brexit

Andrew Neil, veteran broadcaster and answer to the question 'what if corned beef had a face?', has finally called an end to his brief marriage to GB News. Both parties put out a statement saying no other individuals were involved '...particularly viewers, as we have none'.

Under the custody agreement, Neil gets to keep all erroneous facts about Brexit but GB News gets weekend visitation rights to any racist dog whistles.

Since its launch GB News has been heavily criticised for its lack of accuracy, to which it responded by saying: 'We are pleased to announce Andrew Neil is joining GB News'.

Image: Pixabay/RonPorter

GB News has 'minus zero viewing figures’ as presenters reduced to watching audience

GB News audience stats have plummeted into negative figures as their presenters resort to watching viewers in order to maintain contact. On Saturday, the viewing figures dipped below -14 as broadcasters from the station desperately zoom called viewers to beg them to tune in.

Former newscaster Alastair Stewart said he watched the Smythe family explain why they weren’t going to tune in to the new station. ‘He didn’t realise that viewing the Smythe family would count against us in the stats and he's deeply sorry,’ said a GB News source.

And finally, one potentially audience winning feature has been postponed while Andrew Neil has a ‘well-earned break’ from throwing tantrums about the channel’s failures. GB News’s ‘Meatiest face in Britain’ final between Neil (T Bone Angus) and Jeremy Clarkson (chump chop) will take place in the Autumn.

GB News becomes a credible alternative to NewsBiscuit

The competitive market of fake news has been blown wide open by the launch of GB News, under the slogan 'If no one has heard of it, it must be true’. The gammon equivalent of ‘TISWAS’, GB sets out to prove once and for all, that the Earth is flat.

With an editorial slightly to the right of Genghis Khan, GB prides itself on maverick journalists, for whom a spell check is more vital than a fact check. It will be fronted Andrew Neil, who was turned down by The Onion for being too implausible and by The Beano, for having ridiculously drawn hair.

NewsBiscuit and GB will be competing for the same market share of gullible readers; with both media outlets unconcerned by their poor production value, ill-educated staff or lack of shame. Said our Editor: 'We use more d$ck jokes, whereas they employ a more laughable collection of d$ckheads.'

Hat-tip Sir Lupus