A North Korean news presenter declaring in a high-pitched voice, and with fervent pride, that their glorious nation had won the men's football World Cup in 1966 has, in a stunning revelation, proved to be a very real and absolute fact.
National flagship truth channel trusted by all, GB News, made the announcement yesterday evening, following a thorough, diligent investigation spanning 59 years.
The broadcast, which comes as something of a blow to England fans, was delivered in a sombre tone by national treasure and triple-gold-medal-winning sporting hero, Jacob Rees-Mogg:
'It is with solemn regret that it falls to this highly respected news anchor to inform you that England did not win the World Cup in the year of nineteen hundred and sixty six. A series of Westminster dictatorship governments, none more so than the current regime, misinformed the public in distasteful and desperate bids to generate national pride.
'Contrived falsehoods proposed as reality are now, finally, exposed by this award-winning programme. An unusual touchline discussion between referee and linesman did not take place. The ball did not cross the line. The World Cup itself was not stolen. A dog called Pickles did not discover the hallowed trophy wrapped in newspaper and discarded in a hedge.
'Any footage you may have witnessed was staged. There was no Geoff Hurst hat-trick. No crowd ran onto the pitch, thinking it was all over.
'The actual, true and very real winners were the upstanding and highly respected nation of North Korea. Good eggs, every last one of them, and we salute their Supreme Leader.
'Due to the great dishonour brought upon the country, England has humbly surrendered its use of the George Cross Flag, returning it back to Turkey. And Malta. And Portugal. And Georgia.
'In other news, which may be even more unpalatable to England fans, the Independent People's Democratic Republic of Scotland did indeed become world champions of Elephant Polo in 2005.
'Now over to Salman Rushdie with the weather.'
Picture credit: nightcafe.studio
With the licence fee unlikely to be extended beyond FY 26/27, the BBC is searching for ways to fund itself. 'Obviously advertising isn't going to work,' a corporation spokesman stated, noting the decline in advertising revenue globally that would only be diluted by the BBC entering the party. It was thought that making the taxpayer fund the broadcaster was the solution - practically the same as a licence fee but just not pretending the licence isn't a tax. But then it was noted that Sky owner, Rupert Murdoch, appeared to support the idea. 'So that's off the table, then,' said the spokesman.
A subscription model has been discussed, but it is thought to be as successful as running a Premier football team without a shady oligarch funding the 95% shortfall in costs being covered, or not covered, by ticket sales. 'Shame really, as some of our staff are paid like Premier League footballers, especially as some of them used to be Premier League footballers,' he added.
'We did consider the GB News model - spout fascist propaganda 24/7, employ horrible, nasty presenters and market mainly hate, but to be fair Laura Kuenssberg is already filling that role and then you're back to the 95% of costs needed to be covered by a shady oligarch,' he said.
'So, we've decided to invest £8 a month for a verified blue tick - it actually wasn't the BBC who got the verified tick, it was a made up person called @brian0999945733745 who got it - and all our content is going to run on Twitter and Musk will pay, pay, pay,' said the Spokesman.
'We're not doing it on Facebook, though. That would be really lowering ourselves. We've got standards,' he lied.