Farage wins top spot in the Guinness Book of Broken Records

'Every sodding Monday, Nigel Farage holds a press conference and every time he says the same sodding thing,' groaned a spokes-hack for Britain's political correspondents, emerging from the conference room with bleeding ears.

'It's always: Brexit hasn't been tried properly... Britain is broken... the BBC is woke... foreigners should be starved and deported. Then he goes and says it all again on GB News, for hours on end.

'We've heard it so often that we don't bother taking notes any more. We just drip hot wax onto our hands to try and keep awake.

'Having heard Farage utter his pisspoor collection of half-baked views for the 3,650th time in a year,' said a spokes-pint for Guinness Publishing, 'We had no hesitation in naming him the new world champion for sounding like a broken record.

'He eases out Margaret Thatcher, who held the spot for 23 years by screeching 'Rejoice! Rejoice!' throughout the Falklands War and the rest of the 1980s.'

The latest Reform UK press conference became slightly less tedious when the ghost of Lord Haw Haw appeared above Farage's head and said in a slurred voice: 'This is my beloved son, with whom I am well pleased'.'