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Nigel Farage is the new 'Secret' Traitor

The BBC's hit show The Traitors is to cast Nigel Farage as the new Secret Traitor in the upcoming series. 


A BBC spokesperson said 'The BBC unreservedly apologises for... oh... sorry... force of habit. I mean we at the BBC are pleased to announce that we have added Future Fuhrer Farage to ratings smash The Traitors. Not only is Farage a natural Traitor, it also means we can meet our principles of political balance by having Nigel Farage on every single programme.' 


Farage was overheard complaining of 'Typical left-wing BBC bias. I'm not on Women's Hour or the Shipping Forecast yet. German Bight? German Fright more like. Now I have to go to Scotland, which I find disgusting as it's not part of Farage's Britain. Maybe they could film at Mar a Lago instead?'


'Vladimir Putin does like buying houses though - I wonder if he'll buy me the Traitors Castle.' 



Image: Generated by ChatGPT



Are Farage’s superhero duties interfering with the day job?


It’s the curse of every superhero’s life: fighting crime in secret is a full-time job. Peter Parker fell behind with his studies. Clark Kent faced the sack on a regular basis. Nigel Farage’s absences from Clacton and the House of Commons might cost him the next election. Lucky for him his job has zero penalties for goofing off.


We don’t know which crimes he’s preventing, or which damsels he’s rescuing from distress. We don’t even know what his costume looks like – presumably it’s a flag of some sort. Hammer and sickle, possibly.


What we do know is that Nigel isn’t where he’s supposed to be – which can only mean one thing. He’s fighting crime. Rescuing kittens from blazing rooftops. Fighting pitched battles with supervillains. If you need him, Nigel will be there*. Just project a silhouette of Mein Kampf into the night sky and The Incredible Sulk will be by your side.



*Offer not available in Clacton or other depressing places.



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