GB News becomes a credible alternative to NewsBiscuit

The competitive market of fake news has been blown wide open by the launch of GB News, under the slogan 'If no one has heard of it, it must be true’. The gammon equivalent of ‘TISWAS’, GB sets out to prove once and for all, that the Earth is flat.

With an editorial slightly to the right of Genghis Khan, GB prides itself on maverick journalists, for whom a spell check is more vital than a fact check. It will be fronted Andrew Neil, who was turned down by The Onion for being too implausible and by The Beano, for having ridiculously drawn hair.

NewsBiscuit and GB will be competing for the same market share of gullible readers; with both media outlets unconcerned by their poor production value, ill-educated staff or lack of shame. Said our Editor: 'We use more d$ck jokes, whereas they employ a more laughable collection of d$ckheads.'

Hat-tip Sir Lupus

GB News to introduce news in semaphore

With the first four days of GB News blighted by technical and audio issues, as well as blatant false named being read out, the head of production for the fledging channel has now instructed all presenters to become conversant in semaphore to assist in content delivery.

"I'm aware it's far from perfect," said Broadcasting Under Manager Michael Oxenlong this afternoon. "However, with the grainy video cameras and second-hand microphones I've been given to get this channel on the air, getting the presenters to hold flags and spell out the news letter-by-letter is about the only way I can get our message across. I've had to be careful though, Michelle Dewberry got too animated during a lockdown discussion yesterday and accidently spelt out 'Immigrants welcome.'"

Oxenlong's boss, William Stroker, was hoping this would be a temporary measure, remarking, "It's been a challenge to get such a new and important station on-air and delivering important content like regional variations on bread roll names and the defence of known sex-offenders on the basis of pure semantics. However, I've had a promise that our first tranche of advertising money will be spent on new AV equipment. I can't wait to see that roll, barn, or cob in!"

GB News only to cover British weather

Britain's newest TV news channel, GB News, has announced that it will only be covering British weather, adding those seeking to find out what's happening on the Costas will have to look elsewhere.

A channel spokesman said: 'Why would anyone want to go abroad when there are sometimes as many as two days a year when our weather comes vaguely close to that of Marbella and all those other so-called holiday hot spots?'

'Britain's got it all here on our doorstep. Rain, hail, wind, fog and mist; with the mercury often rising as high as 9 degrees Celsius in July and August. Add our shabby seaside resorts into the heady mix, with games arcades and mutant flocks of dive-bombing seagulls nicking greasy fish and chips and burgers left right and centre, then what more could anyone want?'

'We won't glamourise European holiday destinations. Why give your hard-earned cash to the Spanish, Portuguese, Greeks or other foreigners? GB News says spend it here and keep our grim, tawdry and rundown resorts flourishing, and in the state of grubby squalour that makes us the talk of the world.'

'So if you want to know what the weather's doing in foreign climes, then you should watch an actual real TV station... err... no... wait a minute... can you cut that bit please?