Girl Guides to Introduce Vaping Badge

Girlguiding UK have announced the introduction of 72 new badges in line with modern children's interests and passions, with a notable inclusion being one for successfully using a vape pen.

'We needed to stay relevant,' said inclusion and marketing head Orla Brown. 'While the Rainbows and Brownies are still interested in nature and playing, by the time tweens and teens hit Guides, we needed a plan to prevent us from haemorrhaging members to the dreaded and non-specific hanging out.'

Members of the organisation's youth steering group were pleased to see it taking steps to evolve and remain relevant. 'I'm glad they ditched the happy slapping badge,' one told us, 'that thing was soooo cheugy. I got my badge for showing how to use a watermelon-breeze and a cola-ice at the same time to give something, that like, tastes really boujee.

'I can't wait to get to Rangers next year and get my Jailbait badge for looking old enough to get served vodka in an offy.'

Footnotes for anyone not in Gen-Z:

cheugy - out of date, trying too hard, not cool

boujee - up market, high-end

Picture credit: Wix AI

Gen Z just love being generaliZed about, confirm Boomers

Boomer Bob Bridlington boomed 'In my day, you could get a mortgage on a 4 bedroom house with just a firm handshake. And that is because you couldn't get smashed avocado on toast. That is a scientific fact. And anyone who disagrees is awake.'

'What I hate about Gen Z and youngsters in general is how they will outlive me and potentially, get hold of all the wealth I have been hoarding.'

'Bring back National Service - and hanging! I never had to do National Service, but it'll be good for them. Unlike hanging, which is too good for them.'

Gen Z's Tara Taylor said 'I'm going to smash this avocado in his face.'

Image: mogyo78 - Pixabay

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Welfare reform: parents to be responsible for their kids until they are 30

The government has today announced a further initiative to reform state welfare provision. In future, the government will make parents legally and financially responsible for their children until they reach the age of 30.

This means adults under 30 will be expected to live at home if they cannot afford their own place, and they will not be eligible for any state benefits.

‘Everyone thinks kids are cute,’ said a spokesman, ‘until they are old enough to have mobile phones and get stroppy.  Then it gets tougher.  We want to reinforce the responsibilities of parents in starting a family, and we want to avoid feckless Gen-Z snowflakes from clogging up the benefit system.  It’s costing us a fortune.

‘Parents usually know how to keep their kids in line – the naughty step, being grounded, star charts, removal of their bedroom door, etcetera – so we think that this is very doable.  It will also give the children a tremendous incentive to get jobs and earn enough money to get their own place.  There is only so much outdoor sex that you can have before you get caught.’

‘This will avoid all the tedious arguments about whether state benefits should cover one, two or three streaming services, for example.   And disagreements about whether the state should pay for Frosties and Cocoa Pops and Ready Brek and Multigrain Cheerios.  In future, all those discussions can be settled by the parents.  We respect that fact that different parents will reach different decisions. That’s quite acceptable in a democratic society.’

The initiative will generate massive savings on the welfare bill and ease pressures on social housing.

The government is also considering if children should be responsible for their elderly parents, once they are older than 75. This could generate big savings on the cost of care homes. This further initiative would provide a helpful counterbalance to the new policy on parental responsibility.  Parents would need to be reasonable with their children under 30, or they could face retribution once they are over 75.

Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash