Tories to shake up the NHS with the return of the 'wise woman'

Snivelling guttersnipe, Roland Rat-alike and current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, will delight the Tory faithful today, with a promise of re-introducing Wise Women to the NHS.

'Hospitals and GPs are very expensive,' Sunak will tell party faithful in a speech later today. 'The Conservative Party will shake up the NHS, by putting a shrivelled old crone in a hovel, in every village, in every part of the country.'

'Their knowledge of the flora and fauna of the countryside will be more than enough to treat almost all common ailments. This will lead to a reduction in waiting lists and far fewer people needing hospital treatment, but requiring more undertakers. Hospitals will be freed up to treat diseases of affluence, including gout, alcoholism and proper diabetes.'

Labour Leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has ridiculed the policy, saying that there aren't enough affordable hovels, or trained Wise Women, and that Britain will have to source them from overseas; places like the Isle of Wight, The Farne Islands and islands in boating lakes in Britain's larger parks.'

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Farage fury at Reform candidate's lack of racist social media posts

A Reform UK spokesman adjusted his police mandated ankle tag before bellowing 'Our party has a rich history of racism. As Nigel said, most people are racists, so why not cut out the middle man and vote for us.'

'Disappointingly, some Reform candidates have only been publicly spewing hate in the dim and distant past - as far back in archaeological time as 2022 in some cases. Saying Hitler had some good ideas is on brand for us, but that post needs to have been made within the last year, otherwise you're basically part of the woke agenda destroying Britain. Why do you hate Britain so much eh?'

Asked about Rishi Sunak's hasty D-Day retreat, the spokesman spat contemptuously 'Here at Reform UK, we believe that fascism is a core British Value. We venerate all those soldiers that gave their lives on D-Day, defending fascism.'

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Voters thrilled at prospect of new Sky TV channel 'Watching Paint Dry'

Voters whose brains are in danger of imploding or simply turning to jelly after weeks of exposure to endless non-stop politedium have greeted the proposed new TV channel with ecstasy.

Ecstasy has turned to disenchanted for some however, with comments like 'I'm beginning to realise that one week watching paint drying can be very much like another week watching paint drying.'. Another whispered, 'keep this quiet, but actually, it's pretty difficult to detect any difference between the appearance of paint which is still wet and paint which has dried.'

One viewer admitted to skipping forward through the action (or more accurately, the inaction) to enjoy the sheer relief of the next advertising break. 'Even that got a bit tiresome after a while' the disenchanted viewer admitted 'when I realised that most of the advertisements were for gambling companies trying to persuade viewers to bet on which particular patch of paint is likely to dry first, or whether a specific patch of paint will dry in a certain time.'

'What we really want is something that holds us all completely spellbound, blind and deaf to all else around us' suggested another 'Something like "Celebrity Paint Watch." Who could possibly resist the lure of watching celebrities watching paint dry, with the relentless excitement of wondering how long it might be before one of them completely loses it and goes crazy - or dies of old age.'

A Downing Street spokesman confirmed Rishi Sunak was now able to afford Sky TV. 'You meant buying the whole company, right?'

Image: Nick Fewings (@jannerboy62) | Unsplash Photo Community