In a plea deal thought to be the first of its kind, Ghislaine Maxwell has been offered immunity from prosecution on condition she doesn't turn states evidence and tell the justice department everything she knows.
"Sure, it's kind of unusual," admitted US Justice Secretary Tommy Fratboy, a recent appointment of President Trump. "It's more common to offer minor criminals immunity in return for their testimony against kingpins. It's in the public interest to catch the big fish, even if it means letting the little fish go.
"But in this case... er... look, the whole Epstein thing is such old news, why are people still obsessing about it? Seriously, there's so much going on that's more interesting. Have you seen the new season of the Kardashians? That Kylie Jenner sure is hot! And then there's sport - how 'bout dem Cowboys?"
He added that he'd certainly never been to Epstein's island himself, if Epstein even had an island, which he couldn't confirm because he'd certainly never been there.
However, other senior government officials consider it risky to release Maxwell even under conditions which amount to a super injunction.
"We've been talking to our colleagues in Britain, who say there's somewhere we can put her which guarantees she'll never be seen or heard from again."
Asked what it's called, the official said "Well, this might be a typo, but it says here it's called 'Mrs Brown's Boys'."
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