Ghislaine Maxwell moving to Club Fed 'definitely not suspicious'

The transfer of Ghislaine Maxwell to Prison Camp Bryan, a Texas facility so cushy that it’s come to be known as 'Club Fed', was today described as 'definitely not suspicious' by a White House spokesman.

'It’s true she was living in pretty hellish conditions on Riker’s Island and then in Tallahassee,' the spokesman admitted, 'and now she’s basically on a sun lounger by the pool having drinks with little umbrellas brought to her. But people shouldn’t read into this that she’s cut any sort of deal with us.'

However a number of journalists seem to feel the very act of denying it’s suspicious makes it seem pretty suspicious, especially since the denial that a deal had been done was issued before anyone had even suggested it. However the spokesman reiterated that there’s nothing to see here.

'No, the statement she’ll make next week that President Trump barely knew Jeffrey Epstein, and certainly never went to his island, will surprise us as much as anyone else.'

For her part, Maxwell said she’s been offered a full pardon by the administration, but refused on the grounds that her life there is probably as close to her former life of luxury as she’s ever likely to get.

Image: Wix AI

Maxwell offered immunity on condition she doesn't give evidence

In a plea deal thought to be the first of its kind, Ghislaine Maxwell has been offered immunity from prosecution on condition she doesn't turn states evidence and tell the justice department everything she knows.

"Sure, it's kind of unusual," admitted US Justice Secretary Tommy Fratboy, a recent appointment of President Trump. "It's more common to offer minor criminals immunity in return for their testimony against kingpins. It's in the public interest to catch the big fish, even if it means letting the little fish go.

"But in this case... er... look, the whole Epstein thing is such old news, why are people still obsessing about it? Seriously, there's so much going on that's more interesting. Have you seen the new season of the Kardashians? That Kylie Jenner sure is hot! And then there's sport - how 'bout dem Cowboys?"

He added that he'd certainly never been to Epstein's island himself, if Epstein even had an island, which he couldn't confirm because he'd certainly never been there.

However, other senior government officials consider it risky to release Maxwell even under conditions which amount to a super injunction.

"We've been talking to our colleagues in Britain, who say there's somewhere we can put her which guarantees she'll never be seen or heard from again."

Asked what it's called, the official said "Well, this might be a typo, but it says here it's called 'Mrs Brown's Boys'."

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Deadpool over Ghislaine Maxwell’s suicide

It was revealed today that members of the American government have been running a deadpool about when Ghislaine Maxwell will commit suicide.

“I mean, why wouldn’t she?” said Tommy Douche of the State Department. ”Someone used to such a luxurious, glamorous lifestyle facing decades on Riker’s Island, and being a total pariah if she ever gets out? It’s a no-brainer.”

“My money was on the first three weeks,” said Dave Grunt of Homeland Security. “I don’t know why they… I mean, she’s taking so long.”

Asked what he meant by that slip, Grunt paused before eventually saying “Well, you know how with a black hole there’s a line called the event horizon, and if you go beyond that you don’t have a chance? That’s basically where she is now.”

It’s thought the pool is open to all branches of the government, except of course the FBI since they’ll be the ones arranging the suicide.

“God knows why, though,” complained Grunt, “after the mess they made of Epstein. Ligature marks at the wrong angle? Three minutes missing from the security camera footage? It’s amateur hour. You’d think they’ve never done this before.”

image from pixabay