Oasis announce date of next split

Noel and Liam Gallagher, the on-off partnership at the heart of the band Oasis, have teased the date of their next split on social media. 

If the suggestion is true, they will split after an acrimonious and violent row backstage during their forthcoming American tour, probably once the stadium’s already full of fans who have sold their kidneys to afford tickets. However, the band’s PR manager declined to say which brother will hit the other with a guitar and which will storm out, saying we’d just have to wait and see.

The two will then spend an unspecified period sniping at each other on social media until they finally realise they need the money - sorry, that blood’s thicker than water - and reunite once again.

Asked whether knowing about the row, split and reunion in advance doesn’t mean the whole thing’s just a publicity stunt, the PR manager said, 'No, they really are that stupid,' before Liam hit him with a cricket bat. 

Photo by Austrian National Library on Unsplash

Proclaimers hurt by lack of interest in reunion tour

Craig and Charlie Reid, the twin brothers who make up novelty pop/folk group The Proclaimers, say they’re frankly depressed by the lack of interest in their reunion tour.

'What more can we do?' asked Craig, or possibly Charlie. 'We havenae released an album since 2022, so that’s kind of like the band splitting up… sort of … and now we’re getting back together and going on tour. Why aren’t people selling their kidneys to get tickets? Though to be honest, there’s no need, they’re really quite reasonably priced…'

'That’s right,” agreed Charlie, or possibly Craig. “And we’re touring everywhere - Dundee, Ullapool, the Isle of Muck - so it’s nae like people would have to travel far.'

The brothers consulted Edinburgh-based PR consultancy Bemused Kumquat, who suggested that perhaps if their lifestyles were a bit more rock’n’roll. “Like if you two had a massive falling out, and it all got very ugly and public… any chance of that?”

The two brothers looked at each other uncertainly, until one of them said, 'There was that time we were watching telly and I finished a packet of Tunnock’s Tea Cakes without asking him if he wanted the last one. That created a pretty tense atmosphere, I can tell you. He didnae speak to me for a while. Though to be honest, I think he was engrossed in ‘Take The High Road’.'

Photo by Rob Laughter on Unsplash

Co-op Live: If you build it, they will come, eventually

The Co-op Live venue has revealed details of some of the technical issues behind recent cancellations.

One important issue relates to the positioning of the stage. Architects and engineers are currently trying to work out if the stage is at the wrong end of the arena, or if all of the seats have been installed facing the wrong way.

Other issues include air-conditioning ducts held in place with chewing gum, an electrical system that only works on 110 volts and the fact that all door handles have been fitted backwards.  Some supporting walls have been made from concrete mixed with Coco Pops instead of gravel. When tested, some walls were found to be 28% breakfast cereal. One tired builder was heard to mutter, ‘If only we’d used Weetabix’.

The final insult is a massive neon sign on the roof that should read CO-OP LIVE, but actually appears to say CO-OP EVIL from one side and POOP LIVE from the other.

Photo: Photo by JC Gellidon on Unsplash