'We've been working on a long-game strategy, building a charm offensive,' said a Conservative spokesman today. 'Lee Anderson, obviously was our secret weapon,' he said to surprised journalists. 'Everyone agrees he's a weapon, so that's halfway there,' he added. 'Victoria Atkins, obviously is a new secret weapon, replacing a long Conservative tradition of fielding weapons as Health Secretary. We think Gillian Keegan has demonstrated enough natural weaponry to justify being seconded to the MoD for weapon trials,' he crowed.
'So, our charm offensive is well on the way to 50% success,' he said. 'Practically everyone considers us offensive, we've just got to try and work out how to bring charm to the table,' he added.