UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

The Met Office has confirmed that the UK is in the middle of a heat wave - or maybe the beginning, possibly two thirds of the way through, but definitely is experiencing the hottest day since the last hot day. That would be the one last month, or maybe the month before, the day Reform thugs rioted outside a Wetherspoons or ladybirds infested every nook and cranny of every street up and down the UK.

Or that might have been 1976, ask your granny as she goes to Wetherspoons, supports Reform and probably still remembers 1976 like it was yesterday.  Grok believes the ladybirds were rioting over a huge amount of foreign greenfly and says it was definitely Wetherspoons where they succumbed to the heat and stuck to the carpets.  Who knew ladybirds were racists? @grok, are ladybirds racist?  It seems Grok knew.

A Met Office spokesperson said the unseasonably warm weather will continue until it stops, when it will probably be cooler, possibly wetter, maybe both. The change will happen later in the week or possibly the month.  Definitely by December, 2025 or 2026.

Photo by Artur Tarhoni on Unsplash

Somewhere, deep beneath the Earth's surface ...

Cows pissed off with always taking the blame

Scientific fingers are pointed squarely at cows who are now blamed for passing Bird Flu to humans after it jumped the species gap to mammals. Angry moovers and (milk) shakers are from across the UK Bovine offender community from Jersey to the Highlands, cattle have had enough.

They have formed a union, Cows Rising Against Persecution (CRAP), and are prepared to withhold milk, a spokescow said: 'Humans must stop squeezing our tits' #me.moo.

This latest attack comes on the back of world-wide recognition of their excessive production of methane, with the addition of other plants to their diet as a possible remedy. Cows blame this on Vegan fundamentalists, who would rather cut out the middleman and go straight for the nuts, or at least nut based milk and roasts, “This methane thing is a smoke screen, a load of bull, just hot air”.

Bovines have been plagued with TB for years and had tried to pass the buck to badgers. A Friesian spokescow mooed: “We wish to maintain our place as the most popular black and white animal in the UK countryside, if you’re looking for a scape-goat, the clue is in the name, Greatest Of All Time, my farty arse”.