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The Government is to issue rain guidance to primary schools as the country’s longest spell of hot weather since the Great Sweat of 1858 continues.


The information, both online and in print, will counter what the Government calls the ‘high levels of weather illiteracy’, particularly around rain. 'There are children in London and the southeast who have never experienced rain,' said the Government’s climate change officer Dr Ann Orak. 'They’re eight or nine and essentially don’t know what it is. They’ve never seen it and don’t know how to treat it.'


Jessica, who lives in Greenwich with her two primary school-age children, told the BBC: 'It’s a real issue. It’s heart-breaking when your youngest child says "Mummy, will the rain take me away when I’m asleep?" But many children around here have never seen rain and the stories they hear about it play into their primeval fears.'


The Government advice includes not staring at the rain, not making sudden gestures in its presence and the use of trees – those that are still alive – for shelter. Older staff at the Meteorological Office also recommend putting household plants outside, as if making an offering to the rain gods. 'I remember my gran doing this,' said one staffer, wiping away a tear.


Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash



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Why settle for preventing global warming when you can enjoy the far more exciting process of warming the globe, setting it on fire, and then putting it out again? With 4% of global warming caused by plane travel, firefighting aircraft prove that with enough aviation fuel, every environmental problem can become a growth sector.


Nature loves balance. For every tonne of carbon emitted, there’s a comforting splash of water somewhere over a burning hillside. Said one pilot. ‘It’s the environmental equivalent of smoking twenty cigarettes a day and then jogging to the chemist to buy nicotine patches. It’s great to have your cake and eat it, particularly if you want diabetes.’


Joined-up thinking is overrated when spectacularly circular thinking is available. With 2,700 dead in the recent heatwave, we have ensured every wildfire comes with a complimentary bonus wildfire somewhere down the line. Future historians will marvel that humanity invented both climate science and giant airborne kettles of jet fuel, then decided to hedge its bet-and burn hedgerows.



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We deeply regret the totally unsustainable way we used to cut up and dispose of the bodies of thse we have secretly murdered,’ said Usman X, a prominent figure in the middle east murder world.


‘The electric bones saw we used to dismember them were powered by mains electricity generated by fossil fuels. This must never happen again and we promise our embassies and government buildings round the world will all, by 2035, have solar power so  we can generate electricity for tasers, genital tortures and other methods of secret coercion and punishment, as well as for deniable murders.’


Usman X continued:; ‘Meanwhile, we still lead the world in sustainability where judicial punishment is involved. Head for head, (or more likely hand for hand)  severing, stoning,  beheading and whipping use far less energy than imprisonment, with its electric lights and heating, while hanging uses the benign and natural force of gravity to do its work, unlike the wasteful electric chair.’


Mr X said his organization was proud to do its bit to lessen the global impact of fossil fuels and he looked forward to a time when the former oil-producing nations shun oil completely and depend entirely on the income from novelty swimming pools and weird skyscrapers.




First published 14 Dec 2023


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