El Niño finally caught

The notorious El Niño, thought to be responsible for death and destruction all over the world, has finally been apprehended, law enforcement officials confirmed today.

However, lawyers for the infamous weather system have protested it’s being unfairly blamed for a whole slew of unrelated events that couldn’t possibly have a single cause.

”I mean, come on - flooding here, drought there, a hurricane somewhere else… how can these all be the fault of my client, when witnesses confirm it was in the eastern Pacific the whole time?

”Quite frankly - and it gives me no pleasure to say this - but you have to wonder whether these accusations would even be made if my client went by the English name “little boy” instead of its Spanish equivalent.”

However, this had the unfortunate side effect of reminding people that “little boy” was the codename of the Hiroshima bomb, inadvertently giving critics even more destruction they could blame on the hapless meteorological phenomenon.

Meanwhile politicians, ever on the lookout for a way to shift the blame for their own failures, were said to be looking seriously at the possibilities.

”It can take the rap for all the wildfires obviously, avoid awkward questions about forest management, brush clearance, maintenance of proper firebreaks etc… maybe also for the sewage in our rivers, since that’s caused by flooding… any chance we could also blame it for ordering PPE from incompetent idiots just because they’d given a fortune to the party?”

Image: File:Strong El Niño Continues (NESDIS 2015-11-12).png - Wikimedia Commons

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Government to issue rain guidance to primary schools

The Government is to issue rain guidance to primary schools as the country’s longest spell of hot weather since the Great Sweat of 1858 continues.

The information, both online and in print, will counter what the Government calls the ‘high levels of weather illiteracy’, particularly around rain. 'There are children in London and the southeast who have never experienced rain,' said the Government’s climate change officer Dr Ann Orak. 'They’re eight or nine and essentially don’t know what it is. They’ve never seen it and don’t know how to treat it.'

Jessica, who lives in Greenwich with her two primary school-age children, told the BBC: 'It’s a real issue. It’s heart-breaking when your youngest child says "Mummy, will the rain take me away when I’m asleep?" But many children around here have never seen rain and the stories they hear about it play into their primeval fears.'

The Government advice includes not staring at the rain, not making sudden gestures in its presence and the use of trees – those that are still alive – for shelter. Older staff at the Meteorological Office also recommend putting household plants outside, as if making an offering to the rain gods. 'I remember my gran doing this,' said one staffer, wiping away a tear.

Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash

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Firefighting planes helpfully putting out wildfires that they made

Why settle for preventing global warming when you can enjoy the far more exciting process of warming the globe, setting it on fire, and then putting it out again? With 4% of global warming caused by plane travel, firefighting aircraft prove that with enough aviation fuel, every environmental problem can become a growth sector.

Nature loves balance. For every tonne of carbon emitted, there’s a comforting splash of water somewhere over a burning hillside. Said one pilot. ‘It’s the environmental equivalent of smoking twenty cigarettes a day and then jogging to the chemist to buy nicotine patches. It’s great to have your cake and eat it, particularly if you want diabetes.’

Joined-up thinking is overrated when spectacularly circular thinking is available. With 2,700 dead in the recent heatwave, we have ensured every wildfire comes with a complimentary bonus wildfire somewhere down the line. Future historians will marvel that humanity invented both climate science and giant airborne kettles of jet fuel, then decided to hedge its bet-and burn hedgerows.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/elg21-3764790/