Goat girl Melania denies everything

'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.

'I was just a little girl tending her goats in Slovenia,' the figurine continued, wiping a papier-mache tear from its eye. 'Then one day, they made a cardboard cut-out of me and posted it to the Trophy Wives modelling agency here in America.

'They used it as an image to sell mascara and stuff, and then Donald Trump saw it at some sleazy party and decided to marry it. That's when its happiness died.

'Now goat girl Melania just wants to be left in peace in the Slovenian mountains with her herd. She has to go now - Florentina has got stuck in a thicket.'

Image: WixAI

Gaetz 'has no recollection' of having sex with goats, agent says

An agent for Matt Gaetz has asserted that the Florida Republican 'has no recollection' of having intercourse with any non-human partners. Leaked court documents indicate Gaetz is currently being prosecuted for animal cruelty, a felony under Florida state law. The leaked prosecution briefs describe, in unfortunate granularity, Gaetz’ alleged intercourse with animals labelled in the documents as 'RUMINANT 1' and 'RUMINANT 2'.

A Gaetz spokesman reacted defiantly to the leak. 'This is all a smear by envious woke leftists who eat dinner alone with their cats. Matt Gaetz doesn’t just party like an animal, he parties with them! Sexy!'

Sources close to the investigation have confirmed that the ruminants at issue in the Gaetz case are goats. Billy, a spokesgoat for the American Association of Herbivores, reacted with unfettered disgust.

'Saying he can't remember having sex with goats isn't quite the same as saying he didn't, is it?' Billy baa-ed. 'The very thought turns my stomachs.'

Image: minka2507 - Pixabay