Goat girl Melania denies everything

'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.

'I was just a little girl tending her goats in Slovenia,' the figurine continued, wiping a papier-mache tear from its eye. 'Then one day, they made a cardboard cut-out of me and posted it to the Trophy Wives modelling agency here in America.

'They used it as an image to sell mascara and stuff, and then Donald Trump saw it at some sleazy party and decided to marry it. That's when its happiness died.

'Now goat girl Melania just wants to be left in peace in the Slovenian mountains with her herd. She has to go now - Florentina has got stuck in a thicket.'

Image: WixAI