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USA bombs Epstein news


In a bold pre-emptive strike, the US has destroyed all paedo/cannibal headlines for at least 24 hours. Tehran will be the lucky recipients of distraction missiles and a large explosion of smoke and mirrors.


A Pentagon spokeswoman confirmed: 'The people of Iran will lay down their lives, so President Trump can have his peni$ redacted. The only thing that can save them are aliens-as that's an even bigger story.'


While a short campaign is preferred, this may change if Iran defends itself or if rumours of Donald Trump, Woody Allen and Mickey Mouse surface.


Assisted suicide ‘much cheaper’ if you know Jeffrey Epstein




Dignitas are offering a special discount to any member of the Illuminati who would like to avoid questioning by Interpol. Said a spokeswoman: ‘Normally we would only assist the terminally ill, but we are broadening our offer to include anyone who has met Peter Mandelson’.




Assisted Suicide covers a range of services; including a soundproof police cell, no CCTV and a surprisingly large number of nooses left lying around. Said one Assassin: ‘Basically its seven degrees of Jeffrey Epstein. If we think you might spill the beans, we’ll be visiting you with a nice cup of Horlicks and a spoonful of Ricin’.




Dignitas confirmed: ‘The great thing about the scheme, is you don’t have to volunteer for it, Bill Clinton will do that for you. Some kindly benefactor has already paid for Giselle Maxwell and Prince Andrew’s butler’




First published 1 Mar 2022


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Study of ursine excretory habits interrupted by suggestion Andrew was 'rude and entitled'


Scientists trying to uncover the secret of where bears choose to excrete have been transferred to a new project of uncovering the truth behind claims that Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is 'rude, arrogant and entitled.'


Professor Ron Jenkins of the University of Clacton explained the problem. 'It's such a difficult thing to clarify assuming, of course, that you ignore everyone who's met him and everything he does. But, with a few years' work, and appropriate funding, I think we'll get there. Then we can finally find out who's been putting all that bear shit in the woods and if the Pope only celebrates Easter because of the chocolate eggs.'


'Did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?'


Professor Ron Jenkins was recently found dead in circumstances which are definitely not suspicious.


Go about your business.


Image: WixAI

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