top of page
Search

Goat girl Melania denies everything



'I never met Epstein,' said a two-dimensional Melania Trump in a statement yesterday, 'or any of his creepy friends like Donald Trump, or their gangster's moll wives and girlfriends.


'I was just a little girl tending her goats in Slovenia,' the figurine continued, wiping a papier-mache tear from its eye. 'Then one day, they made a cardboard cut-out of me and posted it to the Trophy Wives modelling agency here in America.


'They used it as an image to sell mascara and stuff, and then Donald Trump saw it at some sleazy party and decided to marry it. That's when its happiness died.


'Now goat girl Melania just wants to be left in peace in the Slovenian mountains with her herd. She has to go now - Florentina has got stuck in a thicket.'


Image: WixAI

More Epstein files released to distract from Iran


President Donald Trump is set to release a new tranche of documents from the Epstein files this week to distract the public from the war in Iran, which he initially started to distract the public from the Epstein files.


Despite their incriminating nature, including one image allegedly showing the President floating in Epstein's pool on an inflatable banana, it's hoped the latest release will bump the Middle Eastern blunders off the front pages, at least for a few days.


Speaking from Washington, Democratic senator Cory Booker was far from impressed: 'these looping distractions serve no purpose other than causing mass confusion amongst his loyal MAGA base, which is exactly what he wants.'


But not everyone on the right agrees, as local MAGA member Tyler Burke explained:


'It's the Democrats and the libtards who are confused, not us.


'I, for one, stand behind the bombing of the Epstein Islands to force the Islamic Republic of Venezuela to release the Iranian Files, or whatever it is that's happening.'



Image credit: Wix AI

Epstein Island sold to Bond villain






The estate agent handling the sale said: 'It's quite a niche market, most buyers don't need that many dungeons. It would certainly work as an evil lair, as you could easily convert the 'pleasure pit' into a shark tank.


'We did have some interest from a Royal buyer, but he was £12m short. Bill Clinton and Bill Gates both made inquiries, but that was to make sure they had left no fingerprints.


'It's got fascinating history and an even more interesting FBI file. But we do advise the new owner not to use uv lighting in 90% of the rooms'.




First published 24 Mar 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















bottom of page