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Ministers hoping for more snow, investigation concludes


the Metropolitan Police investigates the extent of drug abuse in the House of Commons, the government has responded by asking Michael Gove if he could be the one of the faces of its new anti-drug programme, preferably both.


'Michael will level up the country and ensure that everyone has the same access to the class A drug,' said a government spokesman. Some politicians suggest that drug use is possibly the only explanation for the way the country is being run. 'It couldn't make it worse,' said one politician today.




First published 6 Dec 2021


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300,000 new homes for Tory voters



Michael Gove, aka Mickey G, has promised that the Tories will build 300,000 affordable new homes in the UK, but forgot to specify that they will only be affordable to Tory voters. Additionally, these new builds will not go where they are needed but will instead be built in marginal constituencies up and down the country.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Liz Truss was supposed to phone us with all the details about this, but we've had to kybosh that for a number of reasons that keeps on growing. Instead, Suella Braverman is emailing through a confidential list, via her personal gmail for some reason. Maybe she fancied another week off work.'



image from pixabay

Splinter Group "Just Stop Growth" threatens Truss with direct action protests


Hardcore splinter group "Just Stop Growth" has threatened the Conservative Government over its pro-growth strategy.


The group, an extremist offshoot of the Anti Growth Coalition that was pilloried by the Prime Minister during her speech has a shadowy membership. Made up of a few raving lefties - it includes the likes of Corbyn, Ed Milliband and Theresa May - they are now attracting a whole new breed of protestor with rumours that Rishi, Michael Gove and even Priti Patel are on board.


'We're going in direct, physical and determined,' commented an anonymous member, meeting our reporter at a clandestine pheasant-shooting weekender in Surrey. 'You're talking continual banging of desks - potentially hours - at the 1922 committee. Abstaining from the subsidized commons bars. There's going to be a really clear message, we just aren't sure what it is yet.'


Asked about the potential collaboration with the even more extreme "Shrink Britain" affiliate, who model themselves on the equally pointless Insulate Britain but with a focus on either the economy or shrink-wrap, (they haven't decided yet), the response was luke warm. 'We're going to have a debate on it, then a couple of votes. Something might come out of it, but I think we need to travel around a bit - perhaps the Bahamas - to really feel and understand this whole shrinkflation idea.'


One thing was clear though - whatever the action plan, if it meant sitting on the M25 in the cold with only sandwiches and a flask of coffee, this was outside their remit - 'While we are in on the principle, you have to draw the line somewhere. We'll leave that side of it to the poor people, said the spokesman, before getting a refill of the Chateau la fete 1945.


Story: RichT



photo: https://pixabay.com/users/niekverlaan-80788/

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