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Government unveils new mental health strategy

With the amount of people diagnosed with mental health problems increasing, the Government has announced a new drive to reduce numbers which involves asking people to try not having the issues that are afflicting them.


"There's been a spike of people, particularly those still in school, who have been diagnosed as suffering depression, anxiety, panic attacks and all other kinds of mental illnesses" stated a spokesperson close to Health Secretary Wes Streeting "and after looking into the issue at length I've decided the best way to get figures down and improve mental health is to declare that these things aren't actually conditions and people just need to start cheering up"


Streeting's aide explained under his new mandate many forms of supposed mental illnesses are to be reclassified. For instance 'Depression' will be renamed as 'Really Fed Up', 'Anxiety' will be labelled 'Overthinking Things' and ADHD will be reclassified as 'Nothing a Good Telling Off Won't Solve.'


"According to some Reform voters I spoke to the other day, because we're very keen to know their thoughts on everything at the moment" the spokesperson continued "when they were kids if you misbehaved at school you were given a beating. Now you get a hug and are diagnosed with autism, and if they're thinking that then it's the kind of thing we want to put a stop to. I'm fairly certain if depressed people try getting out of bed and going for a walk instead of sitting around watching Challenge all day they'll feel much better.


"I'm not suggesting of course that schools should go back to beating troublesome pupils... not yet, anyway. I do know that the Reform voters are quite keen to bring that back to let's see what happens."




Govt. to introduce Sleb Tax

Under proposed new measures, anyone claiming or aspiring to the status of a celebrity will be taxed, at a rate proportional to either (a) how tedious and/or pretentious the public find them to be, or (b) how many column-inches of print media / minutes of broadcast media / Mb of social media they occupy / clog-up / pollute.


There have also been proposals for Ultra-Low Emission Zones, banning or taxing toxic emissions of bollosck, bullshit, fakery, bakery, snowfakery and wokery.  No more greenwashing / sportswashing / attempted brainwashing in public.


Alleged slebs who claim that, in their particular case, their celebrity generates no income from which they could pay a sleb tax, will be told to get their act together, and either shape up as a proper, officially recognised celebrity and make a decent pile of money out of it, or just shut the f*ck up, piss off and stop wasting our time & attention.  Megharry in particular.




Young, low paid immigrants identified as NHS bed blocking cause

The government has worked out that the bed blocking situation in the NHS, where old people who are medically as fit as the NHS can make them, is down to young immigrants working in the care system.


'It's obvious,' said a government spokesman today, 'all these Indian, Pakistani, African, assorted other dark-hued people sneaking in without a degree to their name changing Tena pads, helping incontinent folk to the toilet, doling out meals, pills and hope to countless old people for minimum wage are the problem, not the forty percent of government payments going to private equity shareholders as previously thought, is the root cause of the NHS problems.'


Asked if Brexit, and the consequent loss of qualified, often degree qualified, personnel from across the English Channel, now apparently named the Gulf of France, has created the problem the government spokesman disagreed but stopped the interview to intervene in a fire that had occurred in the Prime Minister's trousers after he sought clarification on the policy.




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