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An eminent mathematician writes, "We all remember Bertrand Russell trying to prove an entire logical system of mathematics from first principles in his Principia Mathematica. And then of course Kurt Gödel came along with his Incompleteness Theorems and said, 'That's nearly all bollocks, Bert'. But no-one, until the present Tory party, has ever invented from scratch a whole new method of arithmetic with no founding principles at all.



"Traditionally, arithmetic requires that a solution proved true today must also hold true tomorrow. Otherwise it's clearly not true. So, 'two plus two equals four' has to be valid on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Bank Holiday Mondays. But what if it weren't? What if the answer to 'two plus two' could be whatever you want on any day you choose? This is the important breakthrough in public financing of major infrastructure projects in the UK.



"Take, for example, the deceptively simple space-time inequality formula HS2 = 2 x Hinckley.C


The two variables are both continuously variable, independently. And although they appear linked by the 'equals' sign, that is a special Governmental operator which means, in layman's terms, 'they're both incredible value for money regardless of how much money is applied or how much of the project is completed'.



"HS2 is one of the most important concepts in modern Government mathematics, like zero or infinity. This is because it has no fixed value whatsoever. And the use of hexadecimal fractions in Hinckley.C, .D, .E etc acts as what we call a 'containment number' to shield the population from undesirable, and potentially dangerous, understanding.



"If asked to summarise the result of this breakthrough in number theory, and its application to the real world, I'd have to rely on the old dictum, 'The first 90% of any project accounts for the first 90% of the expense, and the remaining 10% of the project accounts for the next 90% of the expense." 





A spokesman for the government has claimed the Royal Family, specifically King Charles and the Princess of Wales, are stopping them from completing their 2019 election pledges.  'There's forty hospitals waiting to be opened,' said the spokesman, 'but with the King's prostate and the Princess supine we can't find enough Royals available to cut the bloody ribbons,' he ranted.  'They offered Prince Andrew, but the Prime Minister's ratings are already at an all-time low, there's no way we can risk that,' he added.



As well as the hospitals, which will sit empty until a suitable date for ribbon cutting can be arranged, there are multiple other improvements that are waiting for the Royal Family to catch up.  'There's twenty thousand potholes in Blackburn Lancashire alone that need filling and resurfacing - no point mixing the tarmac until we know somebody with blue blood can declare the roads drivable again,' he said, 'plus all those new prisons, community centres, libraries we've been saving for election year, all scuppered thanks to the bloody Royals.  



'I suppose the ribbon cutting for the first Rwanda flight will have to wait as well,' he sighed.





Demands by the UK’s top brass that we all train for war with Russia, have been greeted with a wave of apathy, normally reserved for cleaning the lint out of your belly button. The nation has raised a two-finger victory salute and then flipped it, was a healthy dollop of FU attached.



General Sir Patrick Sanders, who is yet to diagnosed as insane - but all the signs are there, said that the nation could not afford to make the same mistakes of 1914. Ironically the mistakes we made in 1914 was listening to warmongering buffoons like himself. He talked of a ‘pre-war generation’ implying he was all aroused by the idea of the next war.



The reason we need to enter conflict with Russia seems to be based on the premise that it’s been a jolly long time since the last big war and our Generals are bored. Observed one savvy, coward: ‘Russia already owns most of central London, why would they want to invade the rest? Slough is not that great.’




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