Gambling Commission to investigate leaving EU, herd immunity and Rwanda plan

The Gambling Commission is to investigate a series of risky punts the Conservative Party has made over the past 14 years.

Top bookie-type who knows all the hand signals, Dai Roller said, 'If you're so stupid as to make a bet you're definitely going to lose, then gambling houses are happy to accept your charitable generosity. Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt wagering the entire UK economy on the election being on the 44th July? Well, he's just a mug who doesn't understand how numbers work, and the industry thanks him for his continued financial support.

'But if you're going to gamble so recklessly with people's lives, the futures of their children, and the welfare of the entire planet, then we've got to look at that sh!t. I mean, no one else is going to, are they?

'F*ck me, though. Do you know how long it's going to take us to investigate all the epic punt fails the Tories made? We've already found 863 examples of utterly imbecilic bets bound to cause widespread death to innocent members of the British public, and we're not even up to the Liz Truss era.'

Image: Pixabay/stux

Government denies putting sharks in Channel is part of anti-migrant policy

"Putting hundreds of killer sharks between England and France shows our commitment to biodiversity and protecting vulnerable species", DEFRA spokesman Bryan Mackenzie has insisted. He explains that it is part of "resetting the ecological balance" in British waters. The fact that the sharks can smell a dinghy full of asylum seekers from five miles away never even occurred to the ministers who planned this move, he claims.

"It could also bring much-needed movie revenue to the south of England", he adds. "Any Hollywood producer who wants to set Jaws V on the Kent coast will have a cast of terrifying predator sharks ready and waiting. He might even snatch some real-life footage of someone being chewed up by one of them - although we sincerely hope it won't be a migrant, of course".

The first batch of the bloodthirsty fish were released at Dover today. "Within a month 500 of these chaps will be patrolling - sorry, I mean swimming and frolicking in - the English Channel", Mr Mackenzie promised.

Meanwhile, he brushed off concerns that the sharks have been fed on special migrant-flavoured snacks while in captivity.

Image:Pixabay/PIRO4D

Horrified Tories realise how much work is needed to rebuild

Local Conservative associations are becoming very anxious about the work that will be needed to rebuild the party after certain election defeat.

Colin Himmler, 62, is chair of the Conservative Association for Nether Moor, in Yorkshire. He is the youngest member of the board of trustees, which has an average age of 82.  He is aghast at the work that will be needed to rebuild.

‘If we are wiped out in the general election – and that’s a small if, not a big one – then we will have difficult choices about rebuilding. The worst option is what I call the ‘Lib Dem’ route. This involves contesting council elections, working hard for constituents, talking to residents, sitting on committees, solving problems, and dealing with potholes, dog mess, anti-social behaviour, fly-tipping and all sorts.  We prove ourselves at local level so that we can look credible again at national level.

‘But the sheer graft - of dealing with all the phone calls, twatter posts, emails, and protests sprayed onto the building - is horrifying.  We can’t support that.  We will have to write newsletters and blogs to explain what great work we’ve done. The hardest part about that will be doing the work in the first place!  None of our members signed up for grunt work.  They make their donations so that we can pay someone else in to do the work.

‘Actually doing work for constituents will require a complete change of the criteria we apply when looking for candidates. Usually we just ask to see copy bank statements, and then ask how much of that they are prepared to donate.   Now we will have to look for alien things like commitment, a work-ethic, belief.  We have no idea how to attract people with those skills.

Colin sighs.  ‘It’s a generation thing.   Our supporters are either dying off or crying off to Reform.  No-one young wants to join.   This is – apparently – because our TikTok’s are ‘totally lame’.  So we are seriously considering cryogenics.   We plan to freeze ourselves for eighty years after which we will be defrosted for another try at election success.   

'It seems to have worked for Nigel Farage.’

Image: Pixabay/aitoff