Rioter inconsolable after different rioter steals all his bath-bombs

Nigel Evans, 32 from Hull, woke up on Sunday morning, excited for the day ahead.

‘I’d never done a riot before’ He explains ‘so I was buzzing all day. Really excited, you know? So anyway, fast forward to the event. I’d joined in with the guys, setting fire to a few bins, threw stuff at the police – I wasn’t completely comfortable with that bit. The others were throwing bricks, bottles – anything they could find. I still had a Ginster’s pasty from a petrol station we raided so I threw that. I felt terrible because it was still hot. Like lava those things are.’

As the day wore on, shops were ransacked, and libraries burnt to the ground. Then around three hours into the riot, it all went wrong for Mr Evans.

‘I can’t believe it. Everything was going great. We’d stopped off at Greggs for an all-you-can-eat buffet and then stopped off at Lush. I thought "Fantastic – I need some more bath-bombs.” So I got stocked up. I had to grab a bag to carry them all in but I left my 10p for that. Because of the environment tax, you know? Got to save the planet.

‘Anyway, further down the road this guy – Ken his name was – noticed I hadn’t set fire to any bins myself. So he offered to hold onto my bag of bath-bombs while I lit a bin-fire. When I turned around, he’d gone. I was gutted – I was really looking forward to a lovely hot bath and lovely soft skin.’

Mr Evans reported the crime to the police, and was immediately arrested.

‘I’m the victim here. I just wanted a lovely bath. It’s not the same in prison – they only have showers and that soap is impossible to hang on to’

Visiting hours for Mr Evans are to be announced soon.

Image: Pixabay/gefrorene_wand

"See how much better it was under Tories?", insists liar

As the U.K saw sustained rioting and extremist violence over the weekend, mentally underpowered political pundits have sought to erroneously remind the nation how much better things were under the previous government with one quoted as saying "Sure, almost every metric for measuring quality of life saw a significant drop under Tory rule, but at least there wasn't rioting!"

In response, John Forshaw, along with almost everyone else who could mentally form accurate memories, advised "If you ignore the many riots that took place during Conservative's tenure, they raise a good point." 

Forshaw continued "If you use you hippocampus, you might also recall 14 years of near constant crotch-ups, humiliations both national and international along with a denseness of stupidity so over-whelming it almost caused the nation to collapse in on itself like like a black hole, albeit a black hole that couldn't be trusted with money."

Forshaw added "Obviously the current sustained campaign of fear and intimidation is not ideal, but if we just treat the rioters like 6 year olds they'll punch themselves out, eventually."

"Then like any crabby six year old, they go on the naughty step, which in this analogy is one of His Majesty's high security prisons."

Forshaw added "Then we can get back to Labour's relentlessly underwhelming leadership as opposed to the Tory's outright malicious rule."

Image: Pixabay/aitoff

Government to offer pensioners ‘winter pants'

The Government has accepted that withdrawing the winter fuel allowance will affect many pensioners.  Although it is adamant that the policy change cannot be reversed, it has, in a conciliatory move, announced transitional measures to help the worst affected.

‘Obviously,’ said a spokesman, ‘we would ideally help pensioners to insulate their draughty homes.  But this would not be affordable.  Our new policy approach, therefore, is to insulate the pensioners rather than the homes.

‘We will offer all pensioners two pairs of high-performance thermal under-drawers to keep them warm this winter, and for the next five years.  These garments are favoured by polar explorers and are colloquially known as ‘winter pants’.  We are providing two pairs so that pensioners can wear one pair while the other pair is in the wash.   If winter temperatures remain below zero for five successive days then this will trigger the issue of a third pair (requires internet access, opt-in, newsletter sign-up and Labour votes in local elections).

‘I’m expecting some dim-witted headlines about the policy being pants. My only comment is the failed Tory opposition had a portfolio of policies which were all pants.’

image from pixabay