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Philosophers baffled as non-existent Northern Irish government goes on strike

Philosophers at the University of Belfast have admitted they’re baffled to learn that the government of Northern Ireland, which effectively hasn’t existed for two years, has gone on strike.


No one can now remember what caused the Stormont Assembly acrimoniously to break up two years ago, though it’s thought one side described it as “a legitimate and peaceful demand” and the other as “Popish knavery”.


Whatever the reason, Northern Ireland has effectively had no government since then, leading many to wonder exactly who or what has gone on strike today.


”Can a man who is already doing nothing cease to do it?” mused Professor Patrick Fitzgerald. “Wouldn’t that mean he was doing something? It’s a knotty one…”


His colleague, noted Descartes expert Professor Gerald Fitzpatrick, decided it was best not to think about it and promptly ceased to exist, at which point he was invited to become Minister for Transport.


image from pixabay

Tories to abandon “geographical constituencies”

The Conservative government, just possibly with this year’s general election in mind, has announced the end of the “geographical constituencies” that have formed the basis of British elections for the last 350 years.



“There’s really no logic to lumping people together just because they live in the same place,” said the head of the constitutional working group, Mr G Mander. “It makes more sense to look at how people have voted in the past, and group them on that basis.”


Asked how this would work, Mander said that groups of people who vote Tory would be called things like “Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire and Berkshire - just as they are at the moment.


”And of course, there’d be Labour constituencies too. Well, a Labour constituency anyway. We’d call it something like ‘Ghastlyplebshire’, and it would be made up of benefit scroungers… sorry, Labour voters wherever they happen to live.


“And let’s be honest, we Tories wouldn’t have a hope in hell of winning it. No siree. Shame, but we’ll just have to make that sacrifice for the greater good.”


Asked whether this wasn’t just a way to maintain power by putting all the Labour votes in a single constituency, so Labour only ever has one MP, Mander replied “That’s an extremely serious allegation, and deserves to referred to the Electoral Commission. Just give us a couple of weeks to appoint someone we like to run it.”


image from pixabay

UK doesn't need to check Boeing aircraft, gloats Government, citing Brexit

Following the unscheduled depressurisation of an Alaskan Airlines flight in the US, followed by a chunk of the fuselage falling away after landing, the Federal Aviation Authority has grounded all affected aircraft in the US for inspections.  The European regulator, EASA, has followed suit, advising affected operators to check the aircraft for similar problems.


The UK Government has dismissed the need to do the checks.  'This is the Brexit bonus we've been talking about.  While European passengers are hanging around waiting for lazy European engineers to do their checks, UK passengers don't have to.  They can fly anytime they feel like it, without being dictated to by some anonymous EU organisation,' a government spokesman said.




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