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Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!


Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,


We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:


'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'


'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'


And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'


We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.


They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'


All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.



Image credit: stablediffusion.com

New Government plan deports illegal immigrants for £20


The government has a new tactic in its war on illegal immigrants.


Funding the French police has proved ineffective. Advertising posters saying 'Britain is Closed. And a bit rubbish.' didn't work. The one-in-one-out policy is only working in a roundabout way.


So the government is very pleased with its latest wheeze.


'I don't know why we didn't think of it before,' said the under-Minister for Ejecting Illegals. 'We order a pizza on one of those new-fangled delivery apps. We have a work experience wallah who knows how to do that. And then we arrange for it to be delivered to the police headquarters in Calais.


'The app tells us the drivers name. So then we can tell our immigration staff not to let them back in. Genius. One voluntary repatriation for the price of a pizza.


'We are still refining the policy. The French police has complained about the food arriving cold, and also that pizza is disgusting foreign muck, and that the BBQ dips are often missing. GB News has accused us of using public money to buy food for asylum seekers. And we have accidentally deported seven English teenagers.


'I'm told that the last one is a downside, even though they would probably have voted Reform.'



Net migration number of 204,000 was the same man


The government has admitted that the net migration figures are due to the same man arriving, leaving and returning, usually by small boat, sometimes on a trawler, occasionally on a barge, never by P & O as they only use third world labour at slave rates and although an illegal migrant he has his principles.


Apparently the furore earlier this year regarding a migrant deported who turned back up again twenty-four hours later wasn't an isolated case.  It was the same guy U-turning in the Channel more frequently than Rachel Reeves' budget.


To complicate matters, the man in question is from Barnsley and has been attempting to get in the Guinness Book of Records.  So far he's only achieved an entry in Ripleys Believe It Or Not annual, as nobody can believe anyone wants to come here that bad, even if they are a UK citizen.




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