Tory Masterplan revealed: how the Conservatives will lose but also win the next election

Following the defection of Conservative MP Dan Poluter to Labour by simply crossing the floor, it has been revealed how the current government will survive annihilation.

'You see, Labour and the Liberal Democrats are naive and very dim,' nansplained forgotten right-wing strategist, Cominic Dummings, dimly and naively letting the fatcat out of the bag. 'They won't see it coming.

'All Conservative MPs have to do is jump ship to whichever party is likely to win their constituency. Then, having retained their seat, they all merely renege on their renege and recross the floor back to the Con Party to reform a majority.'

When asked if that bonkers notion was fundamentally undemocratic, fraudulent, and would leave UK government in a strangulated inoperative state with a majority opposition, Dummings snorted, 'Good Lord, you haven't learnt anything, have you?

'It's not about running Britain well or a patriotic love for the nation. Conservatism is all about personal gain whatever the cost to everyone else and the country. It's a miracle they don't scratch each other's eyes out whenever there's another Tory leadership campaign. And there's plenty more on the horizon because they all want their own crack. Especially that Gove.'

Hat-tip: apepper

Image: Pixabay/ sarahlarkin

Extra defence spending will go on 3D printers

Grant Shapps has allayed fears that the extra defence spending announced by the Prime Minister might result in a return to conscription.

Following a series of visits to Shaanxi Province, China in which cabinet members marvelled first hand at the terracotta army built for Qin Shi Huang, the first Chinese Emperor to protect him in the afterlife, government ministers have been concerned for their welfare when their time in office ends and concluded that they too might benefit from having terracotta armies of their own in their afterlives.

Expert pottery consultants advised the government at a cost of £15bn that they had left it too late to fire the volume of clay that would be required; and in any event, since the education policies instigated when Michael Gove was Education Secretary have resulted in a generation of workers unable to discern shit from clay, there’s a high probability of inappropriate materials being used.

Instead, Tory doners from the 3D printing industry have promised the government it could acquire an army made from plastic within the time frame needed if it places an immediate order for 175 XP1500pro 3D printers.

Newsbiscuit’s defence correspondent explained “It’s always been foolish to imagine Conservative governments would regard defence spending as intended to protect anyone other than themselves.”

Image: Pixabay/kaboompics

Scottish stationer asks how long next First Minister likely to last

Renowned Scottish stationer McCreedy’s has protested at yet another job being sent back because it was out of date by the time they delivered it.

”We’d produced the complete set of personalised stationery for Holyrood - letterheads, comp slips, envelopes - all referencing Humza Yousaf as First Minister. And on the very morning we deliver it, the bugger resigns. 

“We vowed not to take any more Westminster jobs after the Liz Truss fiasco, which led to tonnes of paper having to be pulped, but Edinburgh seems just as bad these days.”

The spokesmen went on to say they’d be seeking guarantees before accepting any more orders from Holyrood. “For example, is the new First Minister in coalition with another party he’s about to massively piss off?”

Asked if they were also concerned Scotland might achieve independence, with all the reprinting that would require, the spokesman laughed and said “No, I don’t think so. It’s the paradox of Scottish politics that the Nats will always be in power, often with a huge majority, but in a referendum the people will always reject their one and only policy. We’re a bit like teenagers who constantly moan about their parents but never quite have the balls to leave home.”

Image: Pixabay/PIRO4D