Cap'n Starmer: 'Choppy waters, ye say? Yo ho P&O!'

Pirate Cap'n Keir Starmer has - at cutlass point - withheld a days' grog from the brightly barnet-ed buccaneer (and Transport Secretary) Louise Haigh. Haigh had recommended senior P&O executives be asked to walk the plank for their cannon fire and cannon rehire practices.

Cap'n Starmer has steered his ship more to starboard than Haigh was expecting. Haigh's colourful hair has proved a useful hiding place for parrots perched on her shoulder.

P&O's new cost-saving fleet now includes The Marie Celeste, The Titanic, The Hispaniola, The Nostromo, The Black Pearl, The Exxon Valdez, The Bismarck, The Golden Hind and that container ship that got stuck in the Suez Canal.

In the event of nearby Spanish galleons, customers may be required to return musket fire and they will now have to splice their own mainbraces, swab the poop deck and avast any landlubbers in their party.

Image: Pixabay/Noupload

'Feels like 14 years already' says Starmer

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Customers disappointed by ‘The Labour Government’ experience

Following on from a disastrous Willy Wonka experience in the UK, and an equally unsatisfying Bridgerton event in the US, it would appear the public have now been let down by another themed attraction, ‘The Labour Party in Government’.

One disappointed visitor, Toby Williams, explained, “I voted for this when it was first proposed. A lot of promises were made regarding this experience but it looks as if we’ve been badly let down. The people behind behind this fiasco must be raking it in.”

Pensioner, Joyce Evans, told us. “I was interested to see the Environment display, but all I saw was some dodgy looking guy holding a solar panel and hyping up a heat pump. To be honest the whole thing left me cold.”

The organisers have said they make no apologies for anyone disappointed at what they are providing as they were forced into changes after inheriting costs from the previous ‘Tories In Wonderland’ event.

However, that’s unlikely to appease disgruntled customers. As a VIP patron, Lord Waheed Alli, put it, “I paid a lot of money to one day see this, a lot of money, and now I have, it’s a complete sh!t show!!”

image from pixabay