Tories to create new role: Spokesman Without Portfolio

The Tory Party is reported to be on the point of creating a new executive role within government under the title: Spokesman Without Portfolio. It's understood the job will entail commenting on performance on behalf of every department. What's more it will not be necessary to be a sitting MP to hold the title.

A No.10 source told us. 'It's getting to the point where ministers are in open revolt. They're almost having to be bribed to do the media round every day. The burden of reporters and presenters laughing at them, when they have to tell risible and blatant lies in attempting to toe the party line in face of true facts, is absolutely dreadful.'

Rumours are rife all around Westminster as to who will land the job, but one Tory backbencher wishing to remain anonymous said: 'Well, it's a no-brainer. Cometh the hour, cometh the man. What? There's one person for whom this position is to the manor born. Boris Johnson is the the party's and indeed the nation's liar par excellence. To appoint anyone else would simply be unthinkable.'

And in what's being seen as a sign the further strengthening of that view, NewsBiscuit understands online bookmaker, Paddy Power, is refusing to accept bets on the matter.

Image: Pixabay/ derwiki

April fooling period extended to November, government confirms

The usual cut off point of midday for any April Fools gags to be actioned has been extended, more than likely to November this year, the government announced this morning.

'We're pleased to announce another six months of ridiculous policy making, comedy leadership and general all-round incompetence', stated chief idiot, Rishi Sunak, outside Number 10 Downing Street, wearing a pair of oversized clown shoes in place of his usual brown brogues.

'We may end the period of tomfoolery a bit earlier, depending on what the polls look like and whether we actuallly have any sitting MPs left by that point', continued the PM, as he stepped into a miniature clown car and gave a little comedy parp of its horn.

'Expect plenty of gags from us' said Sunak, preparing a massive custard pie with the Tory logo on the front. 'Shafting the economy, taking donations from racists, creating a hostile environment for migrants, that sort of thing. Top japes'.

Alongside the policy, Sunak announced that Jacob Rees-Mogg was to be Minister of Jokes with a loose remit to be a total bellend.

'To be honest, anyone currently in a Cabinet position could have stepped up the plate on this one' admitted Sunak. 'But Jacob is the fools' fool, and I'm sure will do a great job'.

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34

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Pontius Pilate outlines banned groups

Roman Governor Pilate confirmed today he will no longer talk to the following groups, ahead of next week’s Passover celebrations:

• Anyone against the occupation of Judea by foreign troops

• Any person who has overturned - or is planning to overturn - money lenders’ tables in the temple

• Anyone else who feels first century capitalism might perhaps need some reform

• That bloke campaigning for reduction in hypocrisy amongst religious and temporal leaders, world peace and equality for all. Can’t remember his name.

Mr Pilate confirmed from now on he would only be interviewed by people who agree “at least 90% with everything I believe”. ‘What works for clever-old me should work for everyone’ said Pilate. ‘Doesn’t matter whether it’s schools or the civil service. If you’re not smart or rich enough to do well in my systems, well, blame whatever god you happen to believe in. It’s not my fault.’

A spokeswoman for Jesus said ‘While we are disappointed to be outlawed, persecuted and facing almost certain death, it won’t be in vain. Two thousand years from now there shall a Gove from Scotland come forth, and, as Jesus’ loyal servant, will keep all His commandments. Although the Gove will also somehow agree 100% with Pilate’s approach. And stop the boats, whatever that means. Don’t ask me. I’m only the prophet, not the interpreter. ‘

Image:Pixabay/Airgilstudio