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Conservative Party to be included in list of extremist organisations

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Michael Gove’s list of groups that he says fall foul of his definition of extremism is to include the Conservative Party.




In a surprise move, the communities secretary will say the Tories are one of the organisations that pose a threat to democracy.




“Over recent months, this country has been a rise in extremist activity – and the Conservatives are at the forefront of it,” Gove will tell the Commons, according to his leaked speech.




“The party has restricted the right to protest, limited the right to vote, restricted citizenship and – most extreme of all – made up some bollocks about the shape of bananas.




“And then there was that twat who put Michelle Mone in the VIP lane for a PPE contract. Oh shit, that was me. Sorry.”




Gove will tell government bodies that they must not under any circumstances fund or even engage with the “extremist” Conservative Party.




“It’s a case of mob rule among the Tories these days,” he will say.




“Just look at them – they’re like a bunch of primary school kids on acid.




“They used to be moderate but they’ve become so extreme, Genghis Khan is thinking of standing for them at the next election.”




Monopolies Commission 'concerned' about next election

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Polling appears to suggest that Labour are on target to gain at least 105% of the seats in Parliament, given a Standard Deviant score of three MPs per constituency. The Monopolies Commission, which has for decades argued against an alternative commission to monitor monopolistic agencies, believes that other parties should be given a chance.



'People seem to be concerned about Green issues, but the Green MP voter seems likely to be halved,' said a Monopolies Commission spokesman today, admitting that half an MP is unusual.  'The Liberal Democrats will be lucky to get a quarter of a seat, according to National polls,' the spokesperson said. adding, 'and the Conservatives are looking at getting fuck all squared. Seems to be about right, but we are concerned about the Greens,' the spokesperson said.   


UK government plan to extend voting rights to dogs


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The Conservative government today announced that they are planning to extend the franchise to include dogs.

Just like Brexit, dogs that live and work (and pay taxes) in the UK will only be eligible to vote if they can prove their British pedigree and credentials.


Some critics denounced the move as the latest in a series of desperate attempts to rig the forthcoming election, after introducing stringent ID checks for younger people, allowing retired ex-pats who have paid no tax to have a vote for life, and changing the electoral boundaries.


Nonetheless, others have cautiously welcomed the move. A member of the Lib Dems noted that compared to the 2016 Brexit vote and the 2019 General Election – when millions were consistently hoodwinked by bluster and buffoonery - dogs were likely to use their vote much more wisely than the broad electorate.


A spokeswoman for the RSPCA also noted that, ‘Dogs may not be able to detect pathological liars but, nonetheless, they do have a very keen sense of smell, and so they may well be able to sniff out professional bullsh*tters from a mile off – which could have a significant impact on the results of the next General Election.’




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