Hospital beds will be self assembly, says government

The £1 billion package to provide beds and ambulances will see a recently refloated MFI supply thousands of self assembly hospital beds to homes to support the associated 'hospital from home' initiative. 'This squares the circle', said a minister today who refused to admit of deny that he had been instrumental in re-floating MFI. 'We know we haven't any spare staff in the hospitals, but at your own house? Of course you have. We'll provide plenty of videos, on Betamax, for anyone wanting to know how to set a line up, perform an appendectomy or carry out CPR,' he added. 'We don't expect the government to provide toasters, though.'

The extra ambulances are actually just Ubers, he confirmed. 'By shipping patients by Uber back to their homes we can take some pressure off the ambulances currently parked up outside hospitals - they can discharge their patients to go back home as soon as the MFI delivery occurs, or sooner,' he said.

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Dysfunctional jam factory unable to guarantee jam tomorrow

A production manager at a factory exclusively making fruit-based preserves, but where none of the equipment is working, has been criticised for his constant jam and time based promises.

After yet another serious mechanical breakdown, Mike McBride, 57, called everyone together for a briefing to let them know his hopes for production the following day.

One disgruntled worker said 'I'm sick of his empty promises. And these empty jars. And our soon-to-be empty pay packets.'

'That's a bit unfair', retorted McBride. 'Its unfortunate that our production output today has not been in line with expected targets, but if the machines get fixed, I remain hopeful of delivering some preserve-based products in the forthcoming 24-hour period.'

The criticism caps a difficult few months for McBride who lost his last job as a manager in factory making meat products wrapped in pastry for airlines. His production targets were dismissed as 'pie in the sky'.

Government to phase out petrol and diesel cars by removing brakes

In a move that's being described as "a watershed in environmental progress", internal combustion car owners will have to drive without brake pedals from today. 'This will "speed up" the move to carbon-neutral transport', quipped Department of Transport spokesman Eric Lambert. 'Pedestrians are advised to stay indoors until the transition is completed'.

Meanwhile, scrapyards throughout the country are on standby for a windfall of twisted metal. Motorway services are being stocked with duty-free booze, so that drivers can steady their nerves before braving the horrific pileups and Mad Max driving conditions.

'Once again, Britain is setting an example to the rest of the world. I suppose you could call our policy the express lane to a cleaner environment', said Mr Lambert. 'Within 12 months, fossil fuel vehicles will be a thing of the past. We expect the last gas-guzzler to drive over a cliff around the end of 2023'.

Reaction from motorists has been mixed. 'It's like having a limb removed - I'm still trying to come to terms with that empty space between the clutch and the accelerator', says Top Gear fan Martin Reeves, as he blasts up the M1 at 100mph in his brakeless Audi. 'But everything should be OK. If there's an emergency, I'll just find a nice shock-absorbent barrier to crash into - preferably a bunch of eco-protesters'.