Government explains how breaking the pension promise doesn’t in fact break the pension promise

The government has explained how breaking the so-called triple-lock on pension increases does not actually, in fact, break the triple-lock. The following text is taken directly from a government press release.

‘The fact is that the triple-lock is a clear manifesto commitment. Fact. Another fact is that no-one ever read the small print of the manifesto. People prefer to imagine that the manifesto commitment means whatever they want it to mean. Which is actually quite correct. The commitment means whatever we want it to mean. Fact.

The fact is that the government never realised how costly the pension commitment would be. As costs have risen exponentially, which means by a lot, it is right to review whether or not the actual calculation of the triple-lock actually delivers the intended spirit of the policy.

The fact is that the spirit of the policy was to reassure pensioners that the government understood their situation, which was that their votes were available in return for a decent bung. The triple-lock has delivered a decent bung since the last election and will continue to do so.

The fact is that the government has made some minor improvements to the calculation of the pension increase to take out the effect of things entirely outside its control, such as the NHS strike, rail strikes, sewage on the beaches, sleaze, sexism, inflation, rising pay and crumbly concrete. These improvements to the pension increase calculation remain entirely within the spirit of delivering a decent bung to pensioners and this will continue to be the case for the foreseeable future.

These improvements deliver a substantial increase in the state pension from next April and one that is not substantially lower than the substantial increase that would have been delivered under the flawed and discredited arithmetic of the previous calculation.

In fact state pensions have increased by ten thousand per cent since they were first introduced and this will continue to be the case.

So you have every reason to be enormously grateful for the pension increase and every reason to continue to vote Tory very enthusiastically at the forthcoming general election.

Starmer won’t even commit to supporting the triple-lock, for heavens sake. Fact.’

Government to sh*t in everyone’s mouths

In an apparent U-turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will sh*t in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ a string of shitting Ministers told journalists. 'But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time.'

The Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. If approved by parliament, the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies, beginning with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey, the Secretary of State for the Environment, will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order shittery.

Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’. However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said that if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voters' mouths, although he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.

Government puts the Dangerous Clogs Act into law

There has been uproar in Up-North with the introduction of the flawed legislation.

'We are truly sorry that this has come into force', said Crispin Posh-Ladd, MP for Dick-in-the-Mire. 'This was the result of a clerical error. It, of course, was meant to control the ownership of vicious brutes and the dogs that they own. Dogs such as the Bully XL, the Japanese Fukushima, the Bolivian Ball-biter and, of course, the Yorkshire Ankle-nipper. The aim was to have all them off the streets with a humane injection; likewise for the dogs.

'In the meantime, the population for the Northern Shithouse - I'm sorry - Powerhouse will have to go barefoot until the Act can be repealed'.

'This is another example of the incompetence of this Tory government', allegedly declared an irate Angela Rayner. 'They really are out of touch with the working people of this country'.

Willy Eckerslike of Barnsley comment 'I'll have to buy an alarm clock now. I used to get woken up for the early shift by the sound of clogs sparking on the cobbles. That's not going to be the case with bare feet flip-flopping down the road'.

In response, Mr Posh-Ladd said 'The matter is in hand. It's not as if we have banned head scarves and shawls as well'.

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