Government to use CAPTCHA tool to help find RAAC

It was announced today that from now on, anyone filling in a form on a government website will have to prove they are human by using the CAPTCHA tool.

However, rather than being asked which squares contain traffic lights or motorcycles, they will be shown a random assortment of schools and hospitals and asked to say which ones look as if they might contain RAAC.

'It's really just outsourcing taken to its logical conclusion,' said Sir Crispin Penpusher of the Department for Administrative Affairs. 'Rather than doing something ourselves, we'll give the job to people we know nothing about, who probably have no skills and certainly no incentive to do it properly.

'Exactly the same approach we'll take to removing the RAAC once it's been found, in fact.'

Asked why RAAC was used in permanent buildings when it was known not to last very long, Penpusher replied 'Ah, well you see, that decision was taken by my predecessor, Sir Godfrey Timeserver.

'Naturally he knew he'd have retired long before it became a problem, just as I'll have retired before... well, no need for you to know about that just yet.'

Photo by Crawford Jolly on Unsplash

Government add profanity to core curriculum

Gillian Keegan has announced the traditional three Rs will be modified for the next educational year to become the three Rs, A, F and C word.

Ms Keegan explained, "f***ing, kids f***ing, need to f***ing be taught how to f***ing swear. F***ing, teachers need to f***ing, get off their f***ing, a***s and f***ing, teach. F***ing w***ers f*** w*** **** **** f***ing schools. ****s. **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****", she added.

Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, speaking after the statement said, 'In my view, this is an unfortunate change to the curriculum and I am rather desirous that Church of England schools be excluded from some of the requirement. F***ing government.'

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

British government leads the world in identifying crumbling schools says minister

The Schools Minister has told Newsbiscuit that no other government in the world has identified more crumbling schools in danger of imminent collapse than the current Conservative one, so it’s an achievement the government is very proud of.

“Every year since the Conservatives came to power in 2010, we’ve added more deathtraps to the list” he said. This isn’t something the Labour party will tell you they did and it’s important that people know at the next election, that the Labour party never even made a list of crumbling schools.”

When asked why nothing was done to address the risk these schools present to the lives of children and staff, the balding twat said “Obviously the current government can’t be held to account for what happened under the Cameron, May, Johnson and Truss governments and we have to move on, but what I will say is they worked hard to enable Britain to exit the EU and enjoy all the benefits that brought.”

We asked when he anticipated the closed schools would be able to reopen but were told it’s impossible for him to say, because an election will be happening at some time and if the voters are fickle enough to vote for a different government, the matter would be out of their hands and in any case, it depends on how long it would take to import the materials required for the repairs to be carried out.

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