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UK government finally works out what woke means


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Landmark case rules UK government must pay out £Billions to anyone who is woke


A bunch of nutters who have been pretending to run the United Kingdom for 13 years have just clocked what the word woke actually means. Having frothed and fizzed for over a decade about how woke people are all so terribly awful, someone actually checked, and there has been somewhat of a panic and a fair bit of hasty backtracking.


'Do you think anyone noticed?' said whichever imbecile is in charge of the nation's Education this week. 'I've been slagging off wokes full tilt for years with as much venom as I can muster. But it turns out that woke people are actually the ones who are absolutely on it, and the ones everyone respects.'


'We've been backing racists and pursuing policies misogynists prefer, but I am now informed that they are the ones we should be locking up,' added the Minister for Equality. 'Who knew racists were the bad ones?'


'Some law people did some lawy stuff,' shrugged the Minister for Justice. 'Woke people have been "grossly misrepresented" by the UK government, apparently. So now each woke individual is owed £480,000 in compensation. But the taxpayer will definitely fork out for all of that. What? Our own words and actions? What the f*ck does personal liability mean?'


'Don't worry, there are only 39 million people who are woke, so it won't cost us too much personally,' piped up the Chancellor of the Exchequer. 'Do you know who I am? I do those number thingies, me.'




Customs officer explains why he believes the government is delaying applying import checks


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Checks on imports are required to ensure goods entering a nation meet the required safety standards and any taxation due on them gets paid. Since Britain left the EU, however, no such checks have been applied and a date for implementation of import checks has been pushed back further.


Newsbiscuit asked HMRC to explain why the government appears reluctant to apply the checks and was told it's complicated.


'We have to work within the letter of the law,' explained a customs officer. 'The rules say we shouldn't allow anything rotten or harmful to enter Britain, so technically, if the government told us that checks needed to be applied, it would mean we would have to bar Tory MPs from returning from their holidays. With a bit of luck, the next government will insist we start checks asap.'

Just Stop Fun plans summer of protest


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The protest group Just Stop Fun is launching a new summer campaign against Big Oil. After disrupting all the adult sporting events this summer, the focus of protests is now switching to kids activities in the school holidays.


Colin Snide (not his real name) is a spokesmouth for Just Stop Fun. He told me that the group would be targeting children’s playgrounds, chaining up roundabouts, padlocking swing chains and putting very sticky stuff on slides so that they don’t work. ‘Our kids,’ he says, ‘will be seriously affected by climate change, so we want to use pester power to get home our message to Just Stop Big Oil. We know that their tears and screams will send a strong message to deadbeat parents who are addicted to fossil fuels and non-recyclable take-away tubs. The kids know that, deep down, we are on their side and that we are not just dismal old fun-sponges with no sense of proportion.’


A campaign of targeted interventions over the summer is planned at theme parks and seaside attractions. Planned stunts will include:


• sedating seaside donkeys so that they can’t give rides

• putting fish entrails in the splashdown at the big dipper, so that everyone smells really bad for the rest of the day

• concreting in most of the holes at crazy golf courses (not the one with the little windmill, obviously)

• putting nutella into ball ponds at pubs and play areas so that parents are freaked out when their kids emerge covered in brown sticky stuff

• using Mr Whippy vans to serve entirely liquid ice creams, to illustrate the impact of climate change


Colin says ‘for six weeks we are going to relax, kick back and do something a bit different. Once the kids are safely back at school we will get back to buggering up buses, trains, traffic and sporting events. So enjoy the summer break!’




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