Government to sh*t in everyone’s mouths

In an apparent U-turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will sh*t in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ a string of shitting Ministers told journalists. 'But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time.'

The Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. If approved by parliament, the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies, beginning with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey, the Secretary of State for the Environment, will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order shittery.

Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’. However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said that if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voters' mouths, although he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.

Government puts the Dangerous Clogs Act into law

There has been uproar in Up-North with the introduction of the flawed legislation.

'We are truly sorry that this has come into force', said Crispin Posh-Ladd, MP for Dick-in-the-Mire. 'This was the result of a clerical error. It, of course, was meant to control the ownership of vicious brutes and the dogs that they own. Dogs such as the Bully XL, the Japanese Fukushima, the Bolivian Ball-biter and, of course, the Yorkshire Ankle-nipper. The aim was to have all them off the streets with a humane injection; likewise for the dogs.

'In the meantime, the population for the Northern Shithouse - I'm sorry - Powerhouse will have to go barefoot until the Act can be repealed'.

'This is another example of the incompetence of this Tory government', allegedly declared an irate Angela Rayner. 'They really are out of touch with the working people of this country'.

Willy Eckerslike of Barnsley comment 'I'll have to buy an alarm clock now. I used to get woken up for the early shift by the sound of clogs sparking on the cobbles. That's not going to be the case with bare feet flip-flopping down the road'.

In response, Mr Posh-Ladd said 'The matter is in hand. It's not as if we have banned head scarves and shawls as well'.

Image: fadaguiga Photos | FreeImages

Government to use CAPTCHA tool to help find RAAC

It was announced today that from now on, anyone filling in a form on a government website will have to prove they are human by using the CAPTCHA tool.

However, rather than being asked which squares contain traffic lights or motorcycles, they will be shown a random assortment of schools and hospitals and asked to say which ones look as if they might contain RAAC.

'It's really just outsourcing taken to its logical conclusion,' said Sir Crispin Penpusher of the Department for Administrative Affairs. 'Rather than doing something ourselves, we'll give the job to people we know nothing about, who probably have no skills and certainly no incentive to do it properly.

'Exactly the same approach we'll take to removing the RAAC once it's been found, in fact.'

Asked why RAAC was used in permanent buildings when it was known not to last very long, Penpusher replied 'Ah, well you see, that decision was taken by my predecessor, Sir Godfrey Timeserver.

'Naturally he knew he'd have retired long before it became a problem, just as I'll have retired before... well, no need for you to know about that just yet.'

Photo by Crawford Jolly on Unsplash