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Government makes DAB Day a Bank Holiday



DAB Day - the day after Boxing Day - is to be made a bank holiday, the Government has announced.


'For decades British voters - er - people have struggled to articulate what they intend to do on December the 27th, mainly because by December the 26th they have completely and utterly lost track of what day of the week it is,' said a government spokesman. 'Good luck with this year, with Christmas straddling the weekend - I think,' he added.


Economists have calculated that making DAB Day a bank holiday will cost the economy the square root of f@ck all as shops will be open as usual regardless, Amazon will be delivering, and people who work in jobs that aren't covered by those two parts of retail won't be in a fit state to walk, let alone drive, to work anyway.


The Scottish Parliament has declared the concept of DAB Day to be ludicrous, but have declared DADAB Day - day after the day after Boxing day as a second new bank holiday only to be observed in Scotland anyway.



Unions only allowed to strike at night time


Both main political parties are backing new legislation to limit the scope of industrial action to just leap years and during a full moon. The government explained: 'Your name must have an X and a Q in it, you must be over 7ft tall and you have to hold your breath for over 3 minutes.'


Unions have complained that this is restricting the right to protest, particularly the bit about having to wear a gag: 'We've been told all picket lines need grade eight in violin and we have to pat our head and rub our tummy at the same time.'


An MP said: 'Furthermore, you will not be allowed to strike, if you have a job.'




Government agrees to allow people to dream - grudgingly



A government spokesperson stated today that the government agrees it has run roughshod over the aspirations of the population. 'The youth of today dare not dream of owning a house, of having a worthwhile career, of a decent society,' he said. Acknowledging that the government is likely to face the toughest election since 1997, he said they had decided on a change of policy.


'We will allow people to dream of owning a house. We want them to be able to imagine having a career. We're not going to do anything to enable these aspirations, of course, but they have our permission. If they vote us in next time we'll add a few more items to their wish lists, such as hoping not to freeze in their parents' home, but don't hold your breath,' he said.


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