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Government to adopt public school tactics over inflation


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Borrowers have been put on notice for further Bank of England interest rate rises after inflation in the UK unexpectedly remained stuck at 8.7% in May.


Ex-public schoolboy and Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, was rumoured to be entering No.10 wearing a teaching gown and mortar board he’d nicked from an old school master, muttering “The beatings will continue until the behaviour changes” as he twirled a cane.


Our economics correspondent says he thinks this is Sunak’s way of explaining to mortgage payers that if they continue to borrow money to feed and clothe their children, causing him to look silly for promising to halve inflation, he will adopt the same attitude his sports master did when he was caught puffing on his fag behind the bike shed by making interest rates even more punishing.






Government inquiry into cot deaths concludes no cots actually died


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After the media scared parents into believing cots could die of nothing, and therefore also scaring them into buying more newspapers during the early 1990s, an investigation initiated by the government has concluded in record time.


After only 30 years, the inquiry - during which no government official was allowed to comment due to the ongoing inquiry - a full and clear report with no redactions has been released.


'This is the first time a government inquiry has been seen through to the end and made public in the proper way,' said Richard Pinner, who can't remember if he used to be an MP because it has been so long. 'When something tricky comes up which senior politicians of dubious integrity don't want to talk about because it makes them look even worse than they are, the government orders an inquiry into it, and the press can't ask them any more questions until the inquiry has concluded.


'Eventually, the public simply forget that something really serious happened, and stop caring.


'There are currently over 84,000 inquiries ongoing at a cost to the taxpayer of £37 Billion. It's your classic swindle. The government gets the public to pay for the public not to be told about really serious stuff the government screwed up. You know, which might be of great danger to the public, and certainly in the public interest.'


Commentators have said that no cots actually dying comes as a great relief. The only recommendation the report makes is to suggest that a subsequent inquiry should be opened into whether any cribs died.






YouTuber accused of intentionally crashing plane headhunted for senior Government role


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The Government has responded to claims that they've scouting someone for a ministerial post who intentionally crashed a plane.

'Yes, we were a little worried that he might have done it intentionally,' said a Government spokesperson, 'but as the old adage goes: think incompetence before malice, but never rule out malice...and we've adopted that as our recruitment strategy.

'If he'd crashed the plane by mistake and made oodles of money for himself after parachuting down unharmed, we'd definitely be tapping him up for a Cabinet position. If it was intentional, well, he'll still fit right in at the heart of UK Government.

'The only problem is deciding what department to put him in: the economy, the NHS, education...his talents suit all of them but where would he be perfect? Oh wait, I know...Brexit!'



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