In an apparent U-turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will sh*t in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ a string of shitting Ministers told journalists. 'But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time.'
The Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. If approved by parliament, the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies, beginning with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey, the Secretary of State for the Environment, will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order shittery.
Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’. However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said that if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voters' mouths, although he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.