Jess Phillips should resign, just because

Our in house artist has provided this image of Postman Pat's cat and a crosshead screwdriver.

Recent calls for the resignation of Jess Phillips have drowned out past calls for her resignation and a general sense of déjà vu. It's not so much that she needs sacking, it's just that her being a Minister is so damn weird.

Said one voter,  'Do we need a reason to get rid of her? Oh, okay. How about -  because she is a hypocritical performative narcissist. No? You want more? How about - she is incompetent and traitorous. Er, you still want more? Um...well...she cheats at Monopoly. Actually, that last one may be a fib.'

No.10 explained their strategy. 'If we sack her now, then we'll have nothing to look forward to later.'

Picture credit: perchance.org / deskpilot

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits.

The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the guarantees are confirmed, I will leave. No, I don’t need a helicopter, I’ve already got one.

'We just want a free betting environment,' he continued. 'We are not violent extremists, more like freespin fighters. The oppressive Labour regime is committing atrocities on our profits. If they don’t want to see bodies out on the streets, then they must give us access to our God given obscene bonuses.'

Fred, AKA Freddy the Weasel, Whiney Fred and Freddie Two-Yachts, was calling from an undisclosed location, but probably his £7.5million house in Manchester, or his Lake District mansion, or his property in the South of France.

The authorities are suspicious of a new insurance policy taken out by Fred’s brother, 'Honest' Pete, on all 1,287 Betfred shops. A source known as Lucky Argyle has heard rumours that they all are going to explode during the hostage release, and the police will spend months sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, Fred and Pete be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent. The classic Die Hard plan.

As usual, Sir Keir Starmer just wanted all the sausages to be released, unburnt.

Image credit: perchance.org

Police to be given powers to make up emergency laws on the fly

The UK Government have confirmed that Police are to be given new powers to make up emergency laws on fly should situations require them.

“Too long have UK Law Enforcement had to suffer the indignity of constant scrutiny and retrospective analysis”, said Chief Constable Wonchingthorpe, head of the Police Union, “with these new powers we hope to set aside this culture of blame against our boys and girls in blue and enter a new era of trust and no further questioning.”

It is unclear the extent of these new powers but this could extend to many areas of life. For example, the Police can know stop and detain you for possessing, with intent to wear, bad trainers; distributing out of date memes; looking a bit rioty; tutting in a built up area; and unnecessary inflationary pricing of baked goods (sweet and savoury).

The powers are far reaching as our reporter found out by being arrested for having a sarcastic, moany tone of voice.

https://pixabay.com/photos/people-police-protest-shield-2591692/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com/