Warning alarm sounds every time Rachel Reeves thinks

The UK tested a new early warning system designed to remind people to sell their shares, the moment the Chancellor has a new idea. All phones will issue a high pitched squeak, like your bum on parquet flooring, as markets crash and pensions evaporate.

Other sounds will be used for the Cabinet; Wes Streeting an ice cream truck, David Lammy a slow trumpet wah wah and Liz Kendall the cackle of the Wicked Witch. Some will be more abstract, as Yvette Cooper opted for the sound migrants drowning.

Any announcement by Keir Starmer will be marked by a long embarrassing silence, followed by one polite cough and the sound of tumble weed. Any policy linked to Gaza will be accompanied by the sound of hands wringing, pearls clutching and fake liberal tears. But with no discernible impact.

mage from pixabay

The government alert scheme was set up by the Tory Party

Bond comes out of retirement to warn Rachel Reeves

A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.

‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.

‘Your polishies are a dishaster.  You’ve borrowed too much.  You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back.  My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.

‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.

People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell.  Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.

And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?

Image credit: perchance.org