Government | NewsBiscuit 5/0

Whitehall Voicemail August 2022

Aug 20

'You have reached the UK Government. We are currently on annual leave until September. Please hold and you will be put through to your Member of Parliament as soon as the donor funded Sambuca-fest on a private island in the Caribbean vomits forth its degenerate and soul-blackened gravy train.

Your cost of living crisis is important to us.

If you would like to receive a call back from the chinless moon-unit you had no choice but to vote for, please press 9.5 now and we will keep your space in the infinite queue for Universal Credit.

UK Government - Keeping Money On The Move.

This message was produced by Dunkirk Spirit plc – the company that brought you World War 2, Pot Noodle, Big Celebrity Dancing On Ice With The Stars Who Come Dine With Me, and Brexit! – the biscuit you can eat between meals because we’re British an’ no one tells us when we can eat a fackin’ biscuit!

Thank you.'

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First published 20 Aug 2022

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Burnham tops polls after emergency messaging

gichowdotcom

Aug 18

Andy Burnham’s approval ratings have surged since he masterfully deployed the national emergency alert system. In a stroke of genius the alert told the public to use basic common sense. It instantly framed recent wildfires as the fault of thick members of the public and definitely nothing to do with being poorly prepared or the lack of long-term strategy to address climate change or underfunding the Fire Service.

Critics saying that BBQs have not caused a single recent UK wildfire were told they were missing the point.

Sources close to Number 10 say that the alert system immediately and brilliantly creates a narrative that demonises a fictional segment of the population for bad things.

The Prime Minister's timing was impeccable. Despite being on holiday, the emergency message proved that he is a man of decisive action, painting the government as calm, competent and very much on top of things.

Emboldened, the PM's press secretary told us they are preparing a full suite of further emergency alerts to keep the momentum going.

Upcoming messages will warn citizens not to be so overly dependent on clean running water, not to make themselves ill, especially from swimming in sewage-filled rivers and seas, and not to make unnecessary journeys to join protest marches. Each message will be carefully timed to ensure that people never ask awkward questions about systemic failures, underfunding or imcompetence..

A senior aide, speaking at an industry dinner freebie said: 'Blaming the public is quick, free, and polls extremely well. Having a sensible strategy, or actually doing something, takes years and costs money. This way everyone wins - especially us.'

Image credit: Wix AI

Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships

Sir Lupus

Aug 16

The government has demonstrated it is listening to the woes of the UK population, and has promised to take action to limit increases in rail fares, golf club membership fees, the price of Chianti, and other things that middle-class Conservative voters often spend money on.

'We are very aware of the opinion poll, sorry, cost of living crisis,' said Marjorie Runcorn, Minister for August, "and these decisive steps will make sure that Just About Managing Very Nicely families - and, if necessary, those without children too - will not personally feel the pinch. We are confident that this should help the party - sorry, the country - get through the winter.'

Asked if she might follow the lead of Greater Manchester and also cut bus fares, Ms Runcorn said that actually reducing the price of anything was not government policy, and that personally she had no interest in a transport mode that is only used by "common people who hardly vote"; a sentiment that she later clarified really meant "valued Red Wall Conservatives".