Government stockpiling sewage against future shortages

The government has announced a deal with New Zealand to supply sewage in case we have a constipated winter.

"The Great British public tend who have a more 'solid' diet in the winter." explained Chris Grayling, "if that combines with increased rainfall, we will be in the position of having more river water than we can pollute with home produced crap.

"And the sewage is not just for the rivers; I've been tasked with finding a way to burnish shit to a high gloss finish. So I need a lot of turds and a supply of turd polish. Results have been a bit 'mixed' for the last 7 months, but I'm the kind of chap who will not stop doing a thing just because it doesn't work, I'll carry on doing it expecting different results. Luckily, my colleague Matt Hancock has a mate who can supply the polish - it is rather expensive, but well worth it."

When asked, Mr Grayling explained the cost of importing sewage from New Zealand and turd polish from a mate of Matt Hancock.

"It's costing £350million a week. I don't see what's funny about that."

Image: Pixabay/aviavlad

US government replaces term limits with "Shoot the President Day"

US presidents can now stay in office as long as they can dodge bullets, thanks to a new bill signed into law today. After intense lobbying by an alliance of brooding loners and psychotic conspiracy theorists, Congress has given in and made the 8th of April the day anyone can end the president's rule with a well-aimed bullet.

"It's a victory for the rugged individualism for which we're famous as a nation", says Senator Hilmer Baines (R). "For too long, the basement-dwelling gun nut has been a marginalised figure in American politics. He spends his days peering out between his window blinds in search of FBI surveillance trucks, or getting cut off by radio show hosts when he phones in about the president being an agent of the Illuminati".

"This is people power in action", says Mrs Edna Prazitsky of Dayton, Ohio, whose conspiracy theorist son Bruce lives in her loft with his gun collection. "For the last ten years Bruce has had to make do with pumping bullets into cardboard likenesses of politicians at the shooting range. Now he knows he can really make a difference".

Senator Baines urges all aspiring marksmen to be ready on Shoot the President Day. "Whatever your motives may be, your contribution is appreciated", he says. "Maybe the President isn't answering your letters about the alien landings in your back yard. Or you have an unrequited crush on a film star who takes out a restraining order every time you're found hiding in her garden. Go on - you know she'll be impressed when she sees you on TV being manhandled to the ground by Secret Service agents".

image from pixabay

UK government finally works out what woke means

Landmark case rules UK government must pay out £Billions to anyone who is woke

A bunch of nutters who have been pretending to run the United Kingdom for 13 years have just clocked what the word woke actually means. Having frothed and fizzed for over a decade about how woke people are all so terribly awful, someone actually checked, and there has been somewhat of a panic and a fair bit of hasty backtracking.

'Do you think anyone noticed?' said whichever imbecile is in charge of the nation's Education this week. 'I've been slagging off wokes full tilt for years with as much venom as I can muster. But it turns out that woke people are actually the ones who are absolutely on it, and the ones everyone respects.'

'We've been backing racists and pursuing policies misogynists prefer, but I am now informed that they are the ones we should be locking up,' added the Minister for Equality. 'Who knew racists were the bad ones?'

'Some law people did some lawy stuff,' shrugged the Minister for Justice. 'Woke people have been "grossly misrepresented" by the UK government, apparently. So now each woke individual is owed £480,000 in compensation. But the taxpayer will definitely fork out for all of that. What? Our own words and actions? What the f*ck does personal liability mean?'

'Don't worry, there are only 39 million people who are woke, so it won't cost us too much personally,' piped up the Chancellor of the Exchequer. 'Do you know who I am? I do those number thingies, me.'

Westminster Palace Building Night - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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