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Most of remaining government time to be spent apologising


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The government has set out a timetable for it's business leading up to a general election in 2024 and and the vast majority of the days are allocated to apologies.


A newly set-up Department of Contrition has published several white papers, which it hopes will cover most of the major calamities visited on the country in the last 12 years.


"Grenfell is the start.", said a grim faced spokesman. "We've managed to find a few spare days when Mr Johnson isn't on holiday to make a start on what we expect to be long process of regret. Liz Truss is believed to have cleared her diary for the next 18 months."



Old Moore promises to do better




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The publishers of the legendary Old Moore’s Almanac have confessed that they didn’t get 2022 quite right. A spokesperson informed the media:-


“We admit that the current publication has not been our finest hour – or year for that matter. To be fair, we did get the first 6 months pretty much spot on. Well as much as vague, vapid predictions ever do. However who could have possibly foreseen that the second half of the year would be such a total shitstorm? We didn’t – ha ha that’s an off the record ironic joke by the way.


"Honestly, if we could really predict the future we would be hedge fund managers trousering billions, not writing crap only purchased by morons – oops the last comment is off the record too.


"Nevertheless I will give you a 100% accurate prediction. Anyone wanting a refund on this year’s edition – or next years for that matter – is certain to be disappointed.


"We do understand that we need to improve our forecasts. We are heavily investing in new talent to get 2023 right. An exciting new recruit is Kwasi ‘Gypsy’ Kwarteng. If his crystal ball is playing up he is also skilled in reading the entrails of a sacrificial goat – or Prime Minister”


‘Neuralyzers not strong enough to erase memory of Truss being PM’ Men in Black confirm


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With Rishi Sunak poised to become the new prime minister, which is what would have happened 6 weeks ago anyway if the fate of the country hadn’t been left in the hands of a deluded minority of rabid gammons, the 1922 Committee have reached out to Men in Black agents to ask for their help in making the electorate forget that the whole Liz Truss debacle ever happened, an anonymous source confirmed. Their plan to deploy a memory erasing ray on the nation was thwarted however, when a representative from Men in Black informed the Committee that unfortunately, there is not a neuralyzer in existence powerful enough to block out the catalogue of catastrophic cock ups that have occurred over past month and a half, nor will one ever be invented in future.


The Downing Street source went on to explain, “The Committee were told that whilst neuralyzers work fine for wiping out memories about trivial things such as alien invasions, they simply aren’t designed to cope with the magnitude of Liz Truss sending a meteorite crashing into the UK economy. Something to do with the cosmic ripples being too strong apparently.”


The 1922 Committee are now said to be exploring other options, including beating themselves over the head repeatedly with their briefcases until they lose consciousness, and harnessing the power of collective denial. One member was reportedly seen wandering aimlessly around the House of Commons in a semi-concussed state and was overheard saying to confused bystanders, “Damn good job Rishi is doing, so glad the Tory members voted for him to replace Boris instead of that stupid woman –what was she called….Lisa something…?”, before running into the nearest gents and stuffing his head down the toilet.



Image: https://unsplash.com/@hamidtajikph

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