Government | NewsBiscuit 6/72

New Angela 'Three Pads' Rayner version of Monopoly launched

eppursimuove
Sep 5

Hasbeen, manufacturer of the classic property trading board game Monopoly, has decided to base a special edition on the antics of Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner.

The object of the 'Three Pads' version is to acquire three properties while paying as little tax as possible. To do this, players can put properties in trust, or flip them from first to second home and back again according to the needs of the moment.

However, some of the game developers feel that to base it too closely on Rayner’s behaviour would make it too complex to be fun for anyone but specialist tax accountants.

'So you’re saying that if you put this property in trust, you pay less stamp duty on that one… oh, but then don’t you have to pay more council tax if it’s a second home?… sod it, let’s just say that if you draw two 'Keir Starmer has full confidence in you' cards in a row, you go to jail.'

Sources close to Three Pads say the rest of the cabinet tried to take her mind off things with a karaoke night, though it didn’t help her mood when she got up to sing and someone put on 'Should I stay or should I go?'

Image credit: perchance.org

Restraining order to keep Government away from country

apepper
Sep 4

The High Court has issued a restraining order that requires the government at least 5.5km or "a bloody bargepole" (whichever is longer) from the United Kingdom.

In his judgement, Sir Peter Roth (97), said that to avoid further damage, Rishi Sunak's government should immediately move outside the 3 nautical mile limit. When asked where they should go, Sir Peter initially replied, 'Don't tempt me'. But then he suggested Rockall.

When it was pointed out that Rockall was a bleak granite islet 230 miles west of the Outer Hebrides, Sir Peter was seen to smile and he replied.: 'Yes, I know.'

photo: Photo by Markus Laanisto on Unsplash

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 4 Sep 2023

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British government leads the world in identifying crumbling schools says minister

ModelMaker
Sep 3

The Schools Minister has told Newsbiscuit that no other government in the world has identified more crumbling schools in danger of imminent collapse than the current Conservative one, so it’s an achievement the government is very proud of.

“Every year since the Conservatives came to power in 2010, we’ve added more deathtraps to the list” he said. This isn’t something the Labour party will tell you they did and it’s important that people know at the next election, that the Labour party never even made a list of crumbling schools.”

When asked why nothing was done to address the risk these schools present to the lives of children and staff, the balding twat said “Obviously the current government can’t be held to account for what happened under the Cameron, May, Johnson and Truss governments and we have to move on, but what I will say is they worked hard to enable Britain to exit the EU and enjoy all the benefits that brought.”

We asked when he anticipated the closed schools would be able to reopen but were told it’s impossible for him to say, because an election will be happening at some time and if the voters are fickle enough to vote for a different government, the matter would be out of their hands and in any case, it depends on how long it would take to import the materials required for the repairs to be carried out.