Government advises potential rail suicides to make alternative arrangements

People driven to despair by the cost-of-living crisis are being advised to find ways of topping themselves that don’t involve a high-speed locomotive.

With trains stuck in depots and platforms silent, Britain’s potential suicides could face a long and weary wait in sweltering temperatures before cashing in their chips in front of the 6.57 service from Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour, ministers have warned.

Meanwhile, gas ovens, high bridges, and faulty electrical work are all being touted by officials as more reliable means of leaving your worries behind and moving on to a higher plane of existence.

A spokesman from the Department for Transport, allegedly being run by someone using the name Grant Shapps, said, 'The British are innovative people. We have absolute trust in the mortally depressed to do the right thing after writing a considerate note to their nearest and dearest about why they couldn’t carry on.

'The traditional method seems to be pills, but my sources inform me the motorways are open as usual and, if anything, they’re actually busier than normal.

'How does rush hour Friday sound?'

'This isn’t a cry for help because I know I won’t get any,' insisted suicide contender, Frank Jeffers. 'I’m just hoping for a better world, one in which I’m reunited with the relatives I’ve lost to this government’s incompetence and where my gas bills are taken care of by a benign being of light.'

He added, 'Like Mick Lynch in a long flowing robe.'

Not for the government to ‘do its job’, says Shapps

After being asked to step in and actually help the British public by intervening in the rail strikes negotiations, transport secretary Grant Shapps has said that it is not for the government to actually do its job.

“The unions may be calling for talks with us, but they fail to realise that the government is not willing to, or capable of, doing its job,” Shapps said.

He added that the unions may be trying to cause total travel chaos for a week, but this was nothing to the years that the government has been causing total chaos on a range of areas.

“Many of the public probably think that most ministers have been striking because of the lack of work we have been doing,” he told reporters. “But, in fact we have been working – just not very hard and completely incompetently.”

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/fotoworkshop4you-2995268/

2150 CE. Archaeologists discover remains of HS2 line

Work on the new Maglev line has been stopped two miles from the edge of the Brum Megopolis after workers discovered rails that may have been buried over one hundred years ago. Experts believe these may be the remains of the now long forgotten HS2 project.

Spokesperson, Ivor Trowel, told reporters 'we are confident in our findings. This is the classic vanity project that collapsed in on itself; much the same as the Egyptian Pyramids, the Trump Library of Culture, and the Rwandan Relocation Project.

'Myth has it that high priests thought that they would save several minutes on a line dedicated to taking the dead to the darklands of the Northern Desert. In fact they wasted whole years and ended up precisely nowhere.

'Ee, civilisations eh? Ya cuddent mek it up'.

Image: Pixabay/Tama66