Not for the government to ‘do its job’, says Shapps

After being asked to step in and actually help the British public by intervening in the rail strikes negotiations, transport secretary Grant Shapps has said that it is not for the government to actually do its job.

“The unions may be calling for talks with us, but they fail to realise that the government is not willing to, or capable of, doing its job,” Shapps said.

He added that the unions may be trying to cause total travel chaos for a week, but this was nothing to the years that the government has been causing total chaos on a range of areas.

“Many of the public probably think that most ministers have been striking because of the lack of work we have been doing,” he told reporters. “But, in fact we have been working – just not very hard and completely incompetently.”

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/fotoworkshop4you-2995268/

2150 CE. Archaeologists discover remains of HS2 line

Work on the new Maglev line has been stopped two miles from the edge of the Brum Megopolis after workers discovered rails that may have been buried over one hundred years ago. Experts believe these may be the remains of the now long forgotten HS2 project.

Spokesperson, Ivor Trowel, told reporters 'we are confident in our findings. This is the classic vanity project that collapsed in on itself; much the same as the Egyptian Pyramids, the Trump Library of Culture, and the Rwandan Relocation Project.

'Myth has it that high priests thought that they would save several minutes on a line dedicated to taking the dead to the darklands of the Northern Desert. In fact they wasted whole years and ended up precisely nowhere.

'Ee, civilisations eh? Ya cuddent mek it up'.

Image: Pixabay/Tama66

Queen asks Paddington to form new government

During a break in filming their Platinum Jubilee sketch, the Queen was overheard asking Paddington Bear to form a new government of national unity or ‘marmalade coalition’.

A spokesbear roared ‘We’re getting Brexit pursued by a bear done. In terms of candidates for the top jobs, we’ve got Winnie the Pooh and Bungle from Rainbow coming in. Paddington was considering Rupert the Bear too, but in common with many Ruperts, he’s a right little Tory. Our policies will include hourly flights to Lima and a rapid increase in the UK’s duffel coat production.’

Once captured, Boris Johnson will be moved to London Zoo, but if he is unable to stop flinging excrement and masturbating then he will be humanely destroyed.

image form pixabay