GPs replaced by Druidic Apothecaries

A US owned healthcare provider has a cost-saving measure for getting your nan's lumbago diagnosed, involving a plague doctor, with a certificate in trepanning. By using traditional practitioners, they can do away with expensive luxuries like anaesthetic or informed consent.

A representative of Operose Health said: 'Yes, we could use fully qualified GPs but its much cheaper to leave it to Mad Meg the Exorcist.

'We will be focusing much more on potions, spells and rubbing a horned toad on your athlete's foot. We've an excellent Mesopotamian Priest who can cure your erectile dysfunction with a goat sacrifice and an arsenic enema'.

Coincidently, patients have complained that waiting lists date all the way back to the Medieval period

Image: Pixabay/StevePB

Motor mechanics move to reduce the number of face to face repairs

Following the threat of strike action by GPs, the government has backed down on its insistence that GPs conduct more face to face appointments.

The BMMA (British Motor Mechanics Association) has hailed this as a common sense decision and now intends to encourage its members to reduce the number of face to face repairs it conducts and increase the number of telephone repairs.

'They should have done this a long time ago,' said Denise Higgins, a former Pirelli calendar model who now works as a receptionist for A1 Motor Repairs. 'I'm fed up with customers telling me they remember me from the 1997 edition of the calendar and can they have a look at my legs again.

'It wouldn't be so bad if the customers washed their engines before bringing their cars in to be serviced, but I'm expected to wash the tea mugs up at the end of the day and there's nothing worse than having to clean the grease off them.'

She went on to say that there is no car fault these days that can't be repaired by using a phone app alongside a telephone appointment with an automotive technician. 'If someone thinks their motor has a problem, they only need to send us a photo of the engine and the technician can email them a prescription they can take to a motor factor to collect the parts needed.'

Josh Williams a senior automotive technician who now dresses in a cream suit in anticipation that the days of getting his hands dirty are over added, 'It enables us to branch out into telephone servicing of other things like boilers and washing machines, so it makes good business sense all round.

'We'll still ask anyone with something like a Lambourghini or McLaren to fetch it in and leave it with us, obviously. The lads would go on strike if they didn't didn't have something flash to go on dates in.'

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Patients who need blood tests asked to bring a bottle

As hospitals and GPs in England are being forced to ration blood tests while the NHS struggles to cope with a shortage of plastic sample bottles, one GP surgery in Walsall has asked patients who require a blood test to bring their own bottle.

The surgery’s Practice Manager said, “We decided to ask patients to bring a bottle along if they need a blood test, as we didn’t want to turn away anyone who may be ill. There are several bottles that patients may already have at home that are suitable for blood tests, such as the little bottles that food flavourings like vanilla extract come in. However, we do advise patients to wash the bottle thoroughly before bringing it to the surgery, as food flavourings can have a high sugar content, and an unclean bottle could lead to a false diagnosis of diabetes.

Food colourings also come in similar small bottles, but again we do ask patients to make sure the bottle is clean, as bright green blood is always a worry. Miniature whiskey bottles can also be used, although if not properly washed beforehand they could lead to a false diagnosis of cirrhosis of the liver. And as one of our GPs is rather fond of a tipple, if we leave any of those lying around there is a strong chance those samples might not even make it to the lab.

“To be honest, with the risk of catching Covid at the surgery, extremely long NHS waiting lists, and shortages of essential medical supplies, the best advice we can give to patients at the moment is - don’t get ill!”

Image by Devanath from Pixabay