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Brendan Leach, a school maths teacher for twenty-three years has finally worked out that, actually, it was his own time he'd been wasting.


'Teacher training consisted of three years learning when it was appropriate to touch a student - never - and to learn parrot-fashion how to conclude "it's your time you're wasting". There was a bit about Pythagoras, decimal multiplication and fractions, but nothing about the real tools for teaching, such as the "spoon of learning",' he said today.


'The "spoon of learning" is the only way to achieve grade A* results that allow the school to keep its funding and teachers their sanity,' he added. He demonstrated by pulling a spoon out of his tweed jacket's top pocket and inserting it in your reporter's mouth. 'That traditionally is how you get a C,' he said. Holding the spoon away from the reporter he added, 'and if you wanted to get a B, in the old days, students would have to walk towards the spoon, do some of the work'. Popping the spoon in his top pocket he declared that in a 'fair and just society, those who wanted an A grade would bring their own spoon'.


'But today they don't need their own spoon, don't need to walk towards yours and if the teacher doesn't ram it down their little gullets he or she gets the sack,' he said. 'So, they can waste all the time they like, and still end up with qualifications that would have been unbelievable twenty years ago and could get any high-flying job they fancied as long as they had the gift of the gab and friends in the right places' he added.


Eton School was unavailable for comment.



Forst published 27 Nov 2022



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After the high stakes disaster porn of Covid, Trump, Brexit, Ukraine and Gaza, the nation was reassured today to return to the comforting familiarity of grade inflation stories.


'It’s like hearing the theme music to Wimbledon, or the Met Office’s annual prediction of a ‘barbecue summer’ that never arrives,' said one commuter, looking up from his newspaper. 'It reminds you that there’ll always be an England, and some things will never change.'


'I suppose on some level it’s not good that kids are getting an A grade just for turning up for the exam on the right day, and an A star if they know their name as well… But I don’t care. It’s just so reassuring to read that story every year. Whenever I see it, I know it’s time to renew my home insurance and get the car serviced.'


He then admitted that he always buys the Telegraph on what he calls 'fruity girls' day, a reference to that newspaper’s tradition of illustrating the annual A-level results story with a picture of the prettiest girls it can find opening their results, which he insisted was quality journalism and not creepy at all.


The school inspection body has announced that it will be continuing its one word assessment rating, but, in deference to recent criticism, this word will now be arbitrarily selected from the Oxford English Dictionary.


Inspectors will be instructed that the selected word should offer no hint of a judgemental call : so positive, or negative, descriptors will be replaced by vegetable names, cloud types, architectural features or whatever whimsy may scamper through the assessors mind at the time.


A trial run out of this policy has resulted in St. Robnolds Infants School, Penge being assessed as 'tourmaline', whilst the neighbouring Bryden Academy is now rated as 'exfoliant'.


Whilst this new policy will reduce levels of anxiety and stress within the industry and eliminate all those gaudy banners now seen hanging on school railings, it should also play merry hob with families playing the catchment area game, who will now have to rationalise between Ofsted ratings of 'ormolu','distillate' and 'plinth'.


author: FlashArry

image from pixabay


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