On his first day as Secretary of Defence, Grant Shapps appeared to promise to quadruple the size and effectiveness of Britain's Armed Forces.
One sycophantic apparatchik simpered 'Grant is so good at fixing all the problems in a government department, that he's had 5 ministerial posts in 12 months. He's also great at making one person look like they have four identities, so quadrupling the army is right in his wheelhouse.'
Rishi Sunak is thought to consider Shapps to be well qualified for the post of Defence Secretary as Shapps tried both clay pigeon shooting and archery on a stag do. However attendees on that stag do reported that Shapps was 'a danger to himself and others' and was 'better suited to organising the piss up in a brewery', which turned into an 'alcopop fuelled fiasco.'