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A BBC investigation has found that a Ventnor man was tricked into buying a football club, a high street retailer and a discredited celebrity by an unscrupulous estate agent.


He expected to use his life savings as a deposit on a two bed roomed former council house in Ventnor, but got more than he bargained for.


Colin Stale, 57, says that he was taken advantage of.  ‘The estate agent was keen to sell me the house.  And a mortgage.  And home insurance.  And a full survey.  And rentcharge indemnity insurance.  And a timeshare in Nigeria.  And Chancel Repair Insurance.  And a leasehold staircase in Grenfell Tower.  He was very persuasive.


‘At the completion stage I signed all the papers like the estate agent said.  It was only later that I discovered that I’d bought Oldham Athletic on hire-purchase, four branches of WH Smith, and a twelve percent interest in Gregg Wallace.  It also turned out that I’d signed a non-disclosure agreement and that I’d admitted to kidnapping and eating Shergar.


‘That estate agent is a cheeky wotsit.  He contacted me later and asked if I had any money left over to buy Waterloo Bridge and a collection of Jeffrey Epstein memorabilia. I was tempted, but I said no. The payments on Oldham Athletic are using up most of my pension already.’


The estate agent is not giving any interviews, but has provided a written statement saying that all his business dealings are regulated by the Imaginary Finance Council and the Financial Standards Board of Narnia, and that it was caveat emptor, it wasn’t him, and he wasn’t there.  He did say that, if we were interested, he could offer a really nice one-time-only deal on a two-up, two-down slightly used nuclear power station in Cumbria – a fixer-upper, apparently.



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After extracting billions from water rate payers since privatisation, plus loading the company with debt all in order to pay shareholders untold riches, it looked like the company was on its last legs as the government, country and anyone with half a functioning braincell could see it was failing in all aspects, unless discharging turds into public waterways instead of processing them to provide clean water was an agreed objective - clue, it isn't.


Now the final nail in its coffin after years of not increasing the water storage capacity through reservoirs and/or reducing losses through leaks it was gearing up to announce sweeping water restrictions such as hosepipe bans and stand-pipes in the street. Then, yesterday, on St Swithins Day, it rained. Practically everywhere.


'It's a bloody miracle,' claimed a spokesman for the CEO. 'We've been praying for rain on the fifteenth of July for months,' he said, adding, 'or a massive government bailout, again, but it's pretty much the same thing,' he said.


'According to the legend, it will now rain for forty days and forty nights. Probably one after the other,' he said, crossing his fingers and toes. 'It's guaranteed, isn't it?' he asked, probably rhetorically. he confided that he also hoped the government would rain cash on it for forty or so days, 'just like they used to'.


In other news the tooth fairy is real, Santa is watching every move you make. Gregg Wallace is the epitome of acceptable behaviour and the IDF are the good guys.



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