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Property boss who wouldn't spring extra £200k for safe cladding blew twice that in hand of Poker



A filthy rich property magnate who owns a high rise development is stubbornly refusing to sign off on slightly more expensive cladding which would keep hundreds of tenants safe from peril.


'I'm not backing down,' said Jeremy Gout, a multimillionaire and member of the exclusive All In Club in Kensington. 'I am not legally required to waste my hard earned money on building materials which are proven safe, so why would I? I retain the services of the best lawyers in the City to stall that sh*t until never.


'But, hey, you should have seen me at the table last night. There was a million in the pot and I went all in on a deuce and a seven. Nearly bluffed my way into the biggest win of the night, if those f*ckers hadn't all called me.


'And the night before I was at the Kitten Private Members Club. Those girls are high end incredible, but their daddies haven't secured them offshore trust funds. So it falls to me to drop them £10k a lap dance, and 20 times that each for private encounters which would make a sex doll blush.


'So, no, I don't sleep at night. But that's the price of having so much fun exploiting the poor.'




Grenfell inquiry report made from flammable materials

In an odd mark of respect, the 1,700 page Grenfell inquiry report bears a striking resemblance to a tower constructed from flammable materials.


'It is a sad reflection on our leading experts in this field that throughout the seven year process of producing this report, no one pointed out that paper is a highly flammable material,' said Wesley Gray, an expert in getting things horrifically wrong. 'This highlights the shameful systemic failures which means individuals and organisations just can't help themselves cutting corners to save costs and maximise profits.


'And it gets worse. Much of the commentary in the report itself has unhelpfully parroted the phrase 'lessons must be learned'. Those comments themselves are nothing short of incendiary.


'Every single copy of the report is going to have to be recovered in a non-flammable material at great expense to the taxpayer. It's going to take a long time, and during that period, the report itself must be considered a safety hazard and a major fire risk. For obvious reasons, stacking of the report has been prohibited.


'There is no option left other than to call for a seven year inquiry into how it was possible for a seven year inquiry to allow such a dangerous report to be produced.'




Grenfell inquiry concludes Satan's minions did it

The seven year, 1700 page report spelt out that it was evil m$therf$ckers that let 72 people burn to death. Cladding manufacturing firm Arconic was identified as a dissembling sack of putrified fish heads - 'a fobbing, lumpish, misbegotten piece of ar$e baggage', 'a bladder-faced ill-nurtured hedge-pig!'...or words to that effect.


Having lied, lied and lied some more Arconic knowingly put lives at risk, and also advised the crew of Titanic that this was not iceberg season. The inquiry labelled the government and the firms it contracted as dishonest and incompetent - and those were just the good one. Overall, it painted a bleak picture of absolute evil, which would have made Sauron blush with shame.


One CEO identified as complicit said: 'Obviously I feel bad about what has happened. But the most important thing is to learn from what has happened and to realise I am too rich to go to prison. Mwhahahahah!'





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