Guardian decides identity politics not such a good idea after all

The election of Kemi Badenoch as Tory leader has led leftwing firebrand newspaper the Guardian to conclude that maybe identity politics isn’t such a good idea after all.

”For years, our position has been not to judge issues on their merits, but to automatically take the side of any minority group involved. Except on gender, where we assume the majority (women) must be in the right.

”Obviously that’s not ideal when the Tories have a black female leader, almost certainly facing a white male Labour leader at the next election.

”Fortunately we have an out, which we call the “Uncle Tom” or “coconut” clause, which applies when an ethnic minority doesn’t believe or act as we think they should. Basically, we’re arguing that by being successful, the person has essentially become white. Which is in no way racist on our part. I think.”

The spokesman went on to say that the Guardian would have no problem having a black editor, as the only criterion has always been that they should live within five minutes' walk of Hampstead Heath.

Image: Andrys - Pixabay

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European Commission to introduce trappings of democracy

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen told journalists today that she is disappointed with the lack of public interest in the announcement of the new Commission.

'Even the Guardian seemed to be faking its enthusiasm, and most other papers barely covered it at all. Whereas, you all get so excited when you elect your national politicians, even though they hardly have any power left. So we wondered if we could somehow make Commission appointments more like national elections.'

A journalist asked whether this meant Commissioners would be elected by the people in future, causing von der Leyen to splutter into her espresso. 'Gott in Himmel - you must warn me when you’re going to say something so funny! No, I meant the trappings of democracy, not democracy itself.

'For example, we thought we might have party political broadcasts, so the public could get to know the candidates. But we did a trial run, and no one could think of anything to say except ‘Well, he’s come to the end of his useful political life, but he’s a sweet old boy, and we owe him a favour - isn’t there some job in Brussels that wouldn’t require being awake in the afternoons?’

'So then we thought, rather than announcing all the new Commissioners at once during the day, we could announce them one by one during the night, with talking heads on every channel desperately trying to fill the time in between with empty speculation. This you would stay up to watch, ja?'

The system was trialled, and although many people said they planned to stay up and watch, most gave up and turned in about 11.30.

'So I never did find out who the new Commissioner for Cohesion is,' said one enthusiastic European citizen. 'Oh, an Estonian I’ve never heard of, how about that. Bliss it is in this dawn to be alive.'

Picture credit: Wix AI. (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)

Charity appeal for the disadvantaged

Please could you spare £50 to help people in Britain suffering serious disadvantage? These people are ‘unseen’ and most people are not aware of their plight. They suffer quietly, in silence, and are offered little practical help by governments, society or even by their neighbours, family and friends.

Twenty pounds could provide these people with some meaningful activity, helping them to meet like-minded folk and to bring them back into mainstream society. This would improve their mental well-being, help them to keep their embarrassing visions under control and address their feelings of powerlessness. This would help them to stop obsessing about potholes, recycling or 20mph speed limits.

Ten pounds would fund ‘distraction packs’ to keep them occupied at home, so that they don’t grind their teeth, pull their hair out, or punch walls. It’s not much to ask.

If you could find a spare five pounds, then this will pay for reading material that will help them to find alternatives to the Guardian and gain a more balanced view of the world. Or it could provide a seminar to help them to find calming activities, such as slow TV or YouTube videos of kittens.

If you only have one pound, then you should probably hang on to it.

Whatever you’ve got, it would be wonderful if you could consider donating to help those suffering in silence as Liberal Democrats.