NHS cyber attack confirmed as being written on post-it notes

'We found the notes stuck inside the patient files, with all the important pages removed and just yellow sticker saying "pay £15Billion or you will never get Billy Jones' results back",' said an NHS security consultant today. 'There must have been thousands of files with the notes removed. Not all mentioned Billy, obvs.'

His colleague working across the desk on 111 cyber security confirmed that the back-up floppy disc had been 'waved over a magnet or something' and had the all-telling post-it note attached. 'We'd send everyone an email if we had an IT system,' said the consultant, 'and when I went to the semaphore cupboard to implement our fallback system, both flags had post-it notes on - totally unusable.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

First published 13 Aug 2022

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Train delays due to 'nationwide comms fault', not Russian hackers

Recent chaos on the railways was just down to comforting old bumbling British inefficiency and nothing to do with Russian cyber attacks, according to a government spokesman.

‘It’s definitely not a cyberattack by a hostile foreign state.  We are so well-prepared for that, it’s not true.   Definitely.  Not true.

‘Investigations are underway.  We expect the problem is down to some agency staff member in IT who missed out a minus sign.  Or spilt their tea on the server.  Or forgot to do the back-up.  Or somebody cut through a critical power line.  Or something overheated.  Or because key software is running on Windows 3.1, or a ZX81 or something.   But not a Russian hack.  Definitely.

‘I must protest about the media frenzy that claims this is down to foreign hackers.   There’s an effing D notice on that, for god’s sake.   It’s just an ordinary, boring, every day cock-up.   All those ThikTok people are trying to whip up another stupid QAnon/AlAnon/OnAnOn conspiracy theory.  It’s all TikTokTosh.   NOT A HACK.  Got that?’

We approached Great British Railways for a comment, but their phones were down.

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