Peerage analysts, if such a profession could exist, are frantically wondering how Johnson's hairdresser could be awarded any gong for doing his hair. Apparently both the Association of Hairdressers and the Privileges Committee wanted her to be struck off for bringing the profession into disrepute.
It has also been noted that the peerage awarded to Michael Fabricant actually only applies to his wig, which presumably will be tended to by Johnson's be-gonged hairdresser. In fact, Michael Fabricant's wig and Boris Johnson's hair haven't been seen in the same salon at the same time. 'It could be a mistake,' said a forensic hairdresser, a profession marginally more likely than a peerage analyst, 'to err is human, two hairs is inhuman. Maybe Boris ennobled Fabricant's wig because he thought it was his hair in a mirror.'
One prominent Peerage Analyst spoke on the condition of anonymity ' It's almost as though peerages are entirely made up and deeply silly and have no place in a modern society. When the revolution comes, it'll be them and the forensic hairdressers first up against the wall.'
Katie Clemson (37) has voiced concern about being stalked by a large collection of masked dancers wearing togas. 'I admit I've made one or two dubious life decisions, but does it really warrant twenty eight stanzas on why I should grow my fringe back?'
The Chorus appeared shortly after Katie had made her New Year's resolutions: 'They'd make all these snide comments about how I'd never finish dry January or fit back into my skinny jeans. They trashed talked my job, my love life, then even tutted everytime I forgot to take out the bins.'
Katie was adamant she had nothing to apologise for and she refused to get drawn into the Chorus' criticism of her choice of curtains. 'Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a mother to murder and a father to marry.'
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