Bankers Bonus Cap now top selling Halloween Costume

Remember that time in 2022, when Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng decided to let market forces run wild, only to be immediately removed from office by those self-same forces? Some Trussonomics that Rishi Sunak does fully endorse is limitless pay rises for bankers, which kicks in this Halloween. To be fair to Sunak, it is spookily difficult to work out how to pay for more than a million children to experience not just poverty, but destitution.

A Bankers Bonus Cap could even top off your Halloween outfit.

Shelley Stevenson said 'I tried to wear a Banker’s Bonus Cap as part of a "sexy Liz Truss" outfit, but unfortunately my head immediately span round 720 degrees, I began chanting in ancient Aramaic and projectile vomiting. Evil spirits began circling the pentagram I drew in my own blood. It definitely changes the vibe of a party.'

Photo by Szabó János on Unsplash

Nation's Ghosts and Ghouls prepare for annual Halloween humiliation

A spokesghost for the UK's National Assembly of Ghosts, Ghouls and Spirits (NAGGS) has spoken out highlighting the members disappointment and victimisation they undergo every year at Halloween.

"We try very hard to be subtle, nuanced and mysterious throughout the year," said the Ghost of John Berryman who had been killed by a highwayman in 1803, "but as soon as All Hallows Eve comes around, kids are walking around being 'spooky' diminishing our craft and reducing it all to plastic axes and facepaint. And we're sick of it. It's demeaning is what it is."

He highlighted the plight of poltergeists going ignored, cemetery ghouls giggled at and evil spirits remaining unsummoned.

"I have haven't a good possession in 40 odd years," said Maalik, a 2500 year old Sumarian Field Demon, "kids these days don't even know I'm there. Completely ignored. And even when I do get the odd summoning, they turn their noses up! Oooo, you're not very scary? Ooooo, what's that smell? IT'S FUCKING BRIMSTONE, YOU IDIOT!"

Another ghost told me that it sickens him to watch the amateur antics that the children and some adults get up to scare each other. It told me, "if they want a haunting, I'll give them a f****** haunting! I will scare the living s*** out of them."

It is feared that if situations go on untreated, NAGGS would call a strike on Britain's most haunted places, there would be no bumps in the night and witching hour would be reduced to 15 minutes.

Image: Pixabay/brenkee

All the tricks in one go