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Hamas agree to rebuild, as IDF has nothing to bomb

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A possible ceasefire will allow Hamas to create rudimentary houses and respawn the dead. Said one bored IDF General: 'We've got all these bombs and nothing to do.


'Look at this,' he said, holding up a dead child. 'The head keeps falling off. See. Shoddy. I've reattched the limbs with gaffa tape but it's just not the same. Where's the sport in shooting this?'


Hamas has 60 days to create a new target range. In a concession the IDF has agreed to provide more hostages, as they completely forgot about the last ones. The Netanyahu Government, who had funded Hamas, insisted they would obey international law this time: 'We'll give them a chance to hide...by counting to 100.'




Putin and Netanyahu in secret talks about 'swapping wars'


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Vladimir Putin and Benjamin Netanyahu are reported to be holding secret talks about formalising a treaty that will lead to each nation taking on the burden of war-fighting on behalf of the other.



This surprising development has had military analysts scratching their heads to determine why this would be seen as advantageous by both sides. Some facts have become clear.



The Russian war would benefit by having unlimited access to US military technology. The Israeli military have made sophisticated use of microchips, and this applied to Ukraine would give a much-needed edge on the battlefield. Furthermore the missiles that Israel can deploy are world-class, unlike the aged rockets of the Russian army.



In the middle east, the war against Hamas and the wider region would be more effective if waves of human cannon fodder could be thrown in to difficult situations with little chance of survival. Nuclear sabre rattling is expected to have a powerful effect on nations such as Iran and Eygypt. Areas of conquered territory, like Gaza, would be pacified by usual Russian methods. These include the issuing of Russian passports, the set-up of re-education camps for children, and the swamping of the area with anti-Islamic propaganda.



Talks appear to have stalled, however. Sticking points include the future role of the survivors of Ukraine's historic Jewish population, and the potential for Russia to declare part of the eastern Mediterranean Russian sovereign territory.



But the main problem appears to be that Trump does not like the idea, because it would make Putin's success in the war dependent on US support for Israel, and that is one of the things he knows he cannot control.


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