Energy Drinks ban for under 16s, barring the excellent BEAST CAFFEINE+

The government is planning a new law to stop under 16s buying energy drinks such as Red Bull, Monster and Prime but state they will make an exception for the excellent, nutritious and tasty BEAST CAFFEINE+.

30% of UK children consume these harmful (and inferior) drinks every day, ignoring the incredible health benefits of BEAST CAFFEINE. And whilst most supermarkets have introduced a voluntary ban, they make an exception for BEAST CAFFEINE+ due to its impossible tastiness.

Some popular drinks contain more caffeine than two cups of coffee, but BEAST CAFFEINE+ contains more than four! Excessive consumption of inferior products is linked to headaches and sleep problems, while BEAST CAFFEINE+ promises increased HEADTHROB™, 100% increased alertness leading to drastically reduced sudden animal attacks, and that cool on-the-edge feeling.

Health and Social Care Secretary Wes Streeting told Newsbiscuit that the government had to act, and was encouraged to do so by drinking cans of BEAST CAFFEINE+. This increased his policy accuracy by 75%, and his overall poll numbers by 50%! He told us, 'My kids were suffering, I could see these types of drink were having a detrimental effect on them. Then I was contacted by the good people at BEAST CAFFEINE+ and they have effectively saved Britain from the untold effects of being a square and not looking cool drinking a luminous yellow tasty beverage,'

Too much caffeine can cause a rapid heart rate, abnormal heart rhythms and seizures. Just the right amount of caffeine, like in BEAST CAFFEINE+, leads to excessive attractiveness, speed and freakish strength.

While no official date has been set for the ban, Streeting said it's best to stock up on BEAST CAFFEINE+ in case the 'stuffy old farts' in the Lords spoil his plans.

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Trump set to move to the other side on Deadline Day

US President Donald Trump could be transferred to the other side before the transfer window closes. Suggestions that he has already gone have been denied by all sides, but there are strong rumours of him going for a medical recently.

His current cosy little club of sycophants has said that he is a very important player for them wide on the right and that he is not going anywhere. But, many believe that even if he does go, the club is likely to dismiss stories of his departure as fake news and carry on as if he was still there.

Similarly, the manager of the club where many think his destiny lies has denied that Trump has joined or is about to join his former playing partner Jeffrey Epstein there. Standing just outside the entrance of the club many leagues below his current one, a reporter claimed to have seen Trump arriving as a passenger in a golf buggy a week or so ago. Others believe it may have been more recent than that, or possibly didn’t happen at all.

Another potential destination that Trump himself has suggested he’d be delighted to join has declared no interest whatsoever. The highest club in the stratosphere simply stated that Trump is not their kind of player, adding that he wouldn’t fit in there at all.

Whether Trump has already gone or is about to go, it is believed that his current club consider JD Vance to be incapable of stepping into Trump’s shoes. It has been suggested that they may bring in Vladimir Putin on an emergency loan.

Picture credit: perchance.org

Britons 'now using larger units for alcohol'

'When the government introduced the 14 units a week for alcohol in 1987 I thought it was a great idea,' said Carl, adding, 'because I'd often worried that I wasn't drinking enough. But the proposed system was obviously over-complicated. I prefer just 7 units, one per day,' he said. 'As usual the government was too stingy with the unit size - have they ever been on a bender, Covid excepted?' he asked. So I just used a bigger unit, you know, like a wheelbarrow' he said today.

Government records note that practically 100% of people recording their alcohol consumption claim is '14 units', and assume outliers like Carl claiming just 7 units is stopping the policy from being completely successful. However drinking buddy to Carl, Alan, claims that Carl is over-complicating the process. 'I just drink one unit a week. It's a bloody big unit, you know, like a shed, but at least I can keep track of it. At least until Friday evening when it gets a bit hazy,' he adds, joining the 99% of the population recording 14 units.

The NHS insists that drink related illness accounts for almost half of its workload, which given the amount of doctors, nurses and managers it employs is a good thing. 'If it wasn't for drunks, we'd have bugger all to do,' said a NHS spokesman, raising a glass, a bloody big glass, approximately one unit. 'Chin-chin.'

Image: WixAI