'It's not worth taking the decorations down now'

A significant minority of UK households still have their Christmas decorations up. With the start of Christmas occurring earlier and earlier, many British citizens are arguing that unless the decorations are taken down on Boxing Day at the latest it's hardly worth the effort of stripping them down, removing all the batteries, boxing them up, carrying them up to the attic and putting them in front of the boxes holding the Easter bunnies and the Halloween artifacts. 

'By the time I've taken them up I'll be moving all the boxes to gain access to the Easter tat,' said Bill today. 'Then before you know it the skeletons, plastic pumpkins and the tacky Halloween wreaths will need to be brought out, then - wham! it's August and the Christmas tree needs to be pushed back into use,' Bill added.  'So I leave the tree up all year round.  It frees up a load of space in the attic for other stuff like the sofa, armchairs and plants.  A bit of a win-win, really,' he said.

Labour to rename Asylum Seeking as Emergency Holibobs

A Labour spokesperson today has announced plans for the renaming of the process of seeking asylum as 'Emergency Holibobs' and of asylum seekers as 'Unexpected Campers'. An unconfirmed source also said there were plans to rename asylum hotels as 'Hi-de-hi Holibobs Camps'.

'It is clear the British public are seeking clarification around the process of seeking asylum; those seeking it; and what we can afford to extend to them during their temporary stay', said Felicity Rhodia, the newly crowned Emergency Holibob Chief Yellow Coat. 'We can confirm today the change in nomenclature to engender a less confrontational set of terms that will hopefully puncture the current atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Hi de hi, campers!'

New services for Unexpected Campers will extend to ballroom dancing tuition; talent competitions; local excursions to volunteer for fruit picking and manual labour; and shuffleboard.

Ms Rhodia concluded, 'Come on everyone, let's make the best of fleeing for your life in terror!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Children already ‘bored’ in 2nd week of school holiday

Just two weeks after schools broke up for the 6-week summer holiday, children across the UK have officially announced that they are ‘bored’.

“I’ve finished Netflix,” reported 12-year-old Alfie Thompson, slumped dramatically across a sofa, his thumbs still twitching from residual Fortnite reflexes. “Mum told me to go outside, but like… to do what? Look at grass?”

Parents across the nation are experiencing déjà vu, and are recalling their own childhood holidays filled with similar levels of existential despair—though notably with fewer devices and more aimless stick-finding.

“It’s uncanny,” said Claire Jenkins, mother of two and veteran of the ‘I’m Bored’ crisis of last summer. “I presented them with a paddling pool, a football, and even suggested visiting Grandma. They said, and I quote, ‘Is she on TikTok?’”

The UK government has issued no official response, but insiders suggest Downing Street may propose emergency boredom relief measures, such as a ‘National Go and Play in the Garden Day’ - an initiative sure to be ignored by 96% of children in favour of ‘just one more YouTube video.’

Meanwhile, grandparents nationwide are preparing to unleash their secret weapon: tales of how they ‘made their own fun’ with only a ball of string and an overactive imagination, a strategy known to have a 0.2% success rate in 2025.

As the crisis deepens, experts warn that by week 3, the nation’s children may reach ‘Peak Boredom’, characterised by spontaneous living room parkour, and repeatedly whining, “Can we go to McDonald’s?”

Meanwhile, the nation’s parents sigh deeply, and add extra alcohol to their online grocery order.

image from pixabay

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