Labour to rename Asylum Seeking as Emergency Holibobs

A Labour spokesperson today has announced plans for the renaming of the process of seeking asylum as 'Emergency Holibobs' and of asylum seekers as 'Unexpected Campers'. An unconfirmed source also said there were plans to rename asylum hotels as 'Hi-de-hi Holibobs Camps'.

'It is clear the British public are seeking clarification around the process of seeking asylum; those seeking it; and what we can afford to extend to them during their temporary stay', said Felicity Rhodia, the newly crowned Emergency Holibob Chief Yellow Coat. 'We can confirm today the change in nomenclature to engender a less confrontational set of terms that will hopefully puncture the current atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Hi de hi, campers!'

New services for Unexpected Campers will extend to ballroom dancing tuition; talent competitions; local excursions to volunteer for fruit picking and manual labour; and shuffleboard.

Ms Rhodia concluded, 'Come on everyone, let's make the best of fleeing for your life in terror!'

Image credit: perchance.org

Children already ‘bored’ in 2nd week of school holiday

Just two weeks after schools broke up for the 6-week summer holiday, children across the UK have officially announced that they are ‘bored’.

“I’ve finished Netflix,” reported 12-year-old Alfie Thompson, slumped dramatically across a sofa, his thumbs still twitching from residual Fortnite reflexes. “Mum told me to go outside, but like… to do what? Look at grass?”

Parents across the nation are experiencing déjà vu, and are recalling their own childhood holidays filled with similar levels of existential despair—though notably with fewer devices and more aimless stick-finding.

“It’s uncanny,” said Claire Jenkins, mother of two and veteran of the ‘I’m Bored’ crisis of last summer. “I presented them with a paddling pool, a football, and even suggested visiting Grandma. They said, and I quote, ‘Is she on TikTok?’”

The UK government has issued no official response, but insiders suggest Downing Street may propose emergency boredom relief measures, such as a ‘National Go and Play in the Garden Day’ - an initiative sure to be ignored by 96% of children in favour of ‘just one more YouTube video.’

Meanwhile, grandparents nationwide are preparing to unleash their secret weapon: tales of how they ‘made their own fun’ with only a ball of string and an overactive imagination, a strategy known to have a 0.2% success rate in 2025.

As the crisis deepens, experts warn that by week 3, the nation’s children may reach ‘Peak Boredom’, characterised by spontaneous living room parkour, and repeatedly whining, “Can we go to McDonald’s?”

Meanwhile, the nation’s parents sigh deeply, and add extra alcohol to their online grocery order.

image from pixabay

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You know the school holidays have started when...

• When all the shops that sell school uniforms are urging parents to purchase September's clothing ahead of the annual growth spurt.  You'll just have to guess what size the ankle-snappers will squeeze into in six, seven weeks time because in September the shops will be full of ski wear and winter tops for the New Year's bash.  Make sure you pick up their Halloween outfits at the same time as their oversized uniforms, because all that will be left at the end of the school holidays will be Boris Johnson and Michael Gove masks left over from the lock-down Halloween sales. 

• When all the roads are incredibly quiet.  Apart from the roads leading to the coast, ports, North, South, East and West.  They'll be log-jammed for at least eight weeks, until the final British holidaymaker is forcibly repatriated by Haven Resorts.

  
  

• When sales of Union Flag sleeveless tops soar in specific seaside resorts, along with Nazi tattoos and far right hatred, which apparently can be purchased in bottle form, useful for filling with stolen petrol for throwing at police vehicles.  Outrage, like child growth, also increases exponentially at this time.  Allow for full meltdown on Twitter by the second week.  It's probably in full meltdown in the first week, but you'll be too busy buying school uniforms and won't notice.

• When Nigel Farage appears on any remotely topical political TV show, despite only having four (at time of writing, could be less by now) MPs, fewer than practically every other political party, and none of which we ever see. Despite being platformed, he won't answer any policy questions and nobody, but no-bloody-body will ask him how Brexit is doing.

Correction, the fourth point is true all year round.  Unfortunately.