Met to Introduce Anti-Woke Crimes

Using emergency legislation, the government is to give the Metropolitan Police new powers to arrest supporters of so-called 'Woke Causes' for newly introduced specific crimes.

Amendments to the Police Act, will soon allow officers to detain Black Lives Matter protesters for "possession of a knee with intent to kneel." Pedestrians who are still on a Pelican Crossing when the green man starts flashing can also be arrested for supporting Just Stop Oil and holding up the highway; as can cyclists who fail to give way to any motor vehicle that is behind them.

Speaking outside New Scotland Yard, a Met spokesman lauded the proposed changes to the law. He remarked, 'These sorely-needed updates to bring policing into the 21st century will greatly aid our officers in the execution of their duties. This is the biggest shake up of law enforcement in the capital, and most-needed, since the 1980s, when we could arrest someone simply for owning a Bob Marley LP, or speaking in public with an Irish accent.'

Tone Police to get extra funding

The Home Office confirmed: 'They do vital work, policing Twitter, ensuring everyone is polite, rather than correct. The last thing we want is an informed and uncivil public, imagine the unrest. We need hushed tones, a reverential attitude and absolutely no one with an opinion.'

Unlike other branches of the police force, the Tone Police has increased in numbers, flooded with liberal volunteers all over social media. Successful prosecutions have risen 300% this year, given that there is no need for evidence or due process, you just need a sense of righteous superiority.'

This follows extra funds directed to the Neighbourhood Tw$t scheme. 'Britain's streets will not be safer but everyone will wear the right tie. And no more complaints about the Met Police, please, not unless they are delicately phrased - you don't want a visit from the Grammar Police as well.'

Police Bogota Riot - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Home Office buys marquees for impromptu wine and cheese party

Suella Braverman - a one woman rebuke to the concept of the cream rising to the top and someone who regards breaking the Ministerial Code six times before breakfast as ‘a slow day’ - has bought some marquees, to put some asylum seekers in. What could possibly go wrong?

In a mix up, the planned hostile environment will be a bit more village fete as the marquees play host to a large wine and cheese party. There will be cake, vol-au-vents and those miniature sausage rolls. There will also be face painting, guess the number of sweets in the jar and a tombola, drawn by the local vicar.

Youssef Younis said 'These fondant fancies are amazing, I must ask for the recipe. Hooking the ducks from the pond proved a bit tenser than you might expect. But you have to remember that most of us have recently avoided drowning in the Channel. This game felt a bit on the nose.'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst shook his head sadly. 'Suella is furious, but she’s always furious about something - she has the air of someone who has just dropped their car keys down the drain and is looking for someone else to blame. And she didn’t make any money off the Farage/Marshall Wace/NatWest grift. Unlucky!'

'These days, if any Tory is hosting a party, you have to wonder just how many laws are being broken. I recommend making sure you have a decent alibi for when you are inevitably summoned to testify at a Parliamentary enquiry.'

Image: EveBlackwood Photos | FreeImages