Rwanda bill only impacts people called Bill

Instead of targetting thousands of asylum seekers, the new law will deport less than a dozen people, alongside a very confused Bill Oddie. Mr Sunak had promised to turn back the tide, instead he has just unleashed Bill Cosby on the unsuspecting women of Rwanda.

The error was attributed to the late-night vote and not enough coffee.

The House of Lords offered an amendment to extend the system to Williams and Billys, but by that point national treasure Bill Nighy was bound and gagged.

The Home Office apologised to any Bills effected: 'It feels that we are arbitrarily persecuting innocent people, at a huge cost to the taxpayer...but that was always the intention.'

image from pixabay

Met to Introduce Anti-Woke Crimes

Using emergency legislation, the government is to give the Metropolitan Police new powers to arrest supporters of so-called 'Woke Causes' for newly introduced specific crimes.

Amendments to the Police Act, will soon allow officers to detain Black Lives Matter protesters for "possession of a knee with intent to kneel." Pedestrians who are still on a Pelican Crossing when the green man starts flashing can also be arrested for supporting Just Stop Oil and holding up the highway; as can cyclists who fail to give way to any motor vehicle that is behind them.

Speaking outside New Scotland Yard, a Met spokesman lauded the proposed changes to the law. He remarked, 'These sorely-needed updates to bring policing into the 21st century will greatly aid our officers in the execution of their duties. This is the biggest shake up of law enforcement in the capital, and most-needed, since the 1980s, when we could arrest someone simply for owning a Bob Marley LP, or speaking in public with an Irish accent.'

Tone Police to get extra funding

The Home Office confirmed: 'They do vital work, policing Twitter, ensuring everyone is polite, rather than correct. The last thing we want is an informed and uncivil public, imagine the unrest. We need hushed tones, a reverential attitude and absolutely no one with an opinion.'

Unlike other branches of the police force, the Tone Police has increased in numbers, flooded with liberal volunteers all over social media. Successful prosecutions have risen 300% this year, given that there is no need for evidence or due process, you just need a sense of righteous superiority.'

This follows extra funds directed to the Neighbourhood Tw$t scheme. 'Britain's streets will not be safer but everyone will wear the right tie. And no more complaints about the Met Police, please, not unless they are delicately phrased - you don't want a visit from the Grammar Police as well.'

Police Bogota Riot - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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